2007 almost destroyed me, what’s gonna happen next?
I really have no idea what’s going on any more. Seriously. My brain is a frazzled up piece of cheese, you know what I mean? It kinda feels - and I’m sure if we were to give me a lobotomy (maybe that’s what I need!) it would also look like - a globule of cheese that’s oozed out of your toasted sandwich and fried itself on the bottom of the frying pan.
Maybe that’s what I should do; fry myself on the bottom of a frying pan, but then I don’t think they make them that big so I guess that’s options not gonna take.
It’s the hardest thing for me at the moment, writing this blog. I’ve been battling through an utterly insane mixed episode for nearly two months now. Fighting off the crushing lows whilst dancing with the pixies on a daily basis as thousands of ideas and questions fluctuate through my mind. My day is a continually oscillating cavalcade of emotion, one second so high I feel I’m an immortal God, the next so low I’m nothing more than that once appetising but now rather manky piece of fried cheese. It’s kinda like this:
[CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VIEW]
every day! Except for the dinosaur, that was just humorous happenstance :-)
And everyone keeps wishing me “happy new year”, hell even I just wished everyone a Happy New Year - but seriously, what’s happy about it? Yep, it’s a new start. A whole fresh year, a brand spanking new set of twelve months to live through: but what’s the point? Everyone tells me to optimistic, to think that the worst has passed and things can only get better…
…can they actually get worse than 2007?
When I was sitting here on Monday night I didn’t even realise what the time was until I heard the fireworks. Whilst three quarters of the world were out getting pissed and partying their butts away, I didn’t even know what the time was until that first blasting clash of fireworks sent shivers down my spine and oozed an ominous odour of doom around the room. It was a bloody scary feeling: total and utter fear. Complete dread of having to endure another year of shite, another calender of atrocities and painful days of unending battling. There is actually so long someone can keep fighting for, it’s called energy, and no-one has an unending supply, but somehow (somewhy) I keep on trying.
So how does this happy (!) New Year start for me:
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I am homeless (again) as of tomorrow.
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I have no money.
and
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I am in the grip of a frightening, gruelling mixed episode.
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I have not a clue as to when I will be on a flight away from Oz.
that’s how I’m starting 2008. Other people started it by getting drunk with friends. I’m sure there’s a fair few million who started it pashing a stranger whilst out their heads on tequila (and no doubt a fair few people kicked off the new year by igniting their soul with orgasmic pleasure). I start it with an ominous sense of dread, homelessness, destitution and a complete inability to know what I’m going to be feeling in three minutes, let alone three days.
I don’t mean to be depressing, I really don’t. I wish I was being fun and humorous and recanting erudite tales of all sorts of wit filled excitement…but right now I can’t, and I’m sorry about that…maybe someday… :-)
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Addy…. I’m so glad you’re not the kind of guy that lies about the present and dreams about the future.
Life is a bitch sometimes but the worst thing is to keep it a if everything was working… like trying to fool everyboby, when really, nobody cares.
I maybe too down at present but I hate showing a happy face when there’s nothing to be happy about.
I also hate when people get close to tell me that evertyhing is going to be ok… just to feel less self-guilty about it!
But I feel there’s still a light shining at the end of the tunnel, I know I have to be strong enough to get there in one piece.
Will I succced or will I break before reaching the end?
Flip a coin…..
All this New Year hypocricy kills me…. seeing that, just because the year ends (and there are so many different calendars) EVERYTHING is going to change…..
No way… everything depends on me… and it feels too heavy to carry sometimes.
January 5th, 2008 at 4:39 am
loser get a job
January 5th, 2008 at 4:40 am
get a life
January 5th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I’ve been contemplating whether or not to delete these two comments, but have decided on this occasion to leave them where they are.
They are to be perfectly honest the perfect most equisite example of the stigma against mental illness I’ve seen since someone I knew last year.
Firstly, they do not have the courage to leave their name. Secondly, they have taken the time to leave two comments of pretty much the same content in nature. Thirdly, ummm, nice constructed argument there my friend, must have taken quite some time to get those seven words out of your mind! :-)
If I was to have cancer would you still call me a loser? Tell me to go out and get a life and a job?…oh that’s right…I DO have cancer. Blimey, you’re prejudiced against those with physical illnesses as well.
Seriously? This is an open question to ANYONE with a prejudiced mindset against those suffering from mental illness. WHY? Why do you have it? Why is it so hard for you to understand that we’re suffering from an illness?
I honestly would like to know.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I was going to leave a rather unhappy ranting comment when i read those two messages yesterday, but i remembered this isn’t my blog!!
PEOPLE/SOCIETY have NOOOOO idea what its like. Pre-panic and agoraphobia i worked 2 jobs, 7 days a week, i drove, i went on holidays, i partied, i did everything, but yes, i CHOSE to become housebound and live a life of anxiety, just so i don’t have to work. What a load of shite. Makes me figging sick.
January 6th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Here, here Sarah :-) I used to do the same even whilst trying to overcome everything; working 60-70+ hours a week, partying, socialising, I used to take photographs and write novels, have friends and girlfriends, everything that constituted a life. But yep. I sat down one day and decided “nahh, what I actually want from life is anxiety, depression, panic attacks fear, self harm, isolation and crazy manic bipolar mood shifts” isn’t that what everyone wants from life?
And ranting comments, go for it! :-) Who cares if his isn’t your blog, if ya got something to say, just let it out :-)
January 7th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Phew! Thank you. I didn’t know whether to press send or not.
WE (people who have mental health problems) just need to hold our heads high and ignore the comments that are made by idiots. Simple as that. They know nothing.
x
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
I can relate, me?
39 years old, no job been up and down with the feelings, some days are worse than others, no medication but I cope. weed has been my hope till now, now it makes the panic worse. I am a motivational. When I sleep my head shoots with blasts of electricity. I have money but will have to get a job soon. Can’t cope. People make me anxious. Can’t concentrate. Don’t want to take meds. I believe in magic. I know things, even when I’m depressed. I won’t take meds. I may get worse, I may get better. I may learn to cope, stop smoking dope and put away the rope that hangs my life on a rafter. I’m after something, that’s why I feel this way. I will make it happen, or die trying.