Overcoming Mental Illness

I thought I was entering a manic phase today. Honestly. When I woke up this morning everything was just wonderful and exciting and my brain buzzed and hummed with ideas after ideas and I was skipping and dancing and exploding with ideas and invention. This continued for most of the day…so much like my manic phase in Adelaide it was unreal, but then it hit me…the lowest of lows, this eternal never ending pain of complete and utter isolated loneliness…and I realised it was just my brain playing a trick on me, just another of these insane mood shifts this goddamned mixed episode brings! C**t! So I’m now descending deeper and deeper into the abyss of the low and I just want it all to stop, that’s all I want, I just want it all to just stop. I want my brain to shut up, I want the voices to go away, SHUT UP, I want the ghosts to bugger off, I want it all ended. Can that happen? Am I allowed just a singular moment of peace or am I damned for eternity with this insane endless feeling of complete crapness? It doesn’t even matter where I am or what I do, who I love or try to help (not that I ever did, hence the use of the word try)…nothing seems to matter any more so I just want to go to sleep and perchance dream of happier times and happier things which will never again take place. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? That’s what I keep asking myself? I always tried to love people, always tried to take care of people, always tried to be there for them, always tried to share myself with the world and yeah I failed and fracked up and all that human stuff that human’s do but am I really such a horrible person to deserve this eternal nightmare that was thrown on me? Twelve months ago…twelve months…! That’s nearly a bloody year since the last time I remember being happy. Since the last time I remember feeling pleasure! Is that life? A year?? How is that life? Yep. Yep. Yep. Not a manic phase. Nope. Nope. Nope. This is definitely not a manic phase! Just a rouse, a deception. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to dream of happier times with Kathy and Grace and Sally and the Addy I so very nearly became. I just want one night of relaxed pleasure. Can I have that? Is it too much to ask? Or am I just that damned grotesque human being like she made me believe? I fracking hate this illness. I just don’t know how to fight it…any of them, and by frack I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard and keep on trying and I just don’t know what else to do. So now I’ve wasted yet more of your and my time I will depart. Until next time. Keep smiling, keep hugging, keep laughing, keep loving and keep passing those open windows. So remember; smile, sing, laugh, love, grope, kiss, fondle, shag, talk, LISTEN and levitate (when ya can) because that’s what life should all be about. Au revoir, adios, goodbye, sweet dreams - love to you all - who knows when I’ll get the chance to write again :-)