Overcoming Mental Illness

**Trigger Warning**
This post deals with self-harm. If you are close to self harm and/or need to distract yourself from inflicting please head to the game zone to have some fun for a while.

I started self-harming when I was in High School as a way to deal with bullying, low self-esteem, social anxiety and an onsetting depression. I was able to get it under control in mid 1999, and after a brief relapse in 2001, had it under control until 2007. I have self harmed on/off since my breakdown in March 2007 and am not yet in the space to get it under control again at this time.

It has always been hard for me to talk about my past, and more specifically the reasons why I do self-harm. In this post I will answer some questions regarding self harm, it’s an interview with myself basically.

If you have any questions of your own, please feel free to ask them.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

It’s a whole cavalcade of things really. It’s the voices in my head mainly, ghosts of times past and the future that was never to be. Meadhbh, my hallucination chips in, and in no time they’re singing a hearty chorus of anti-Addy anthems which I just need to stop. It’s not that they tell me to do it, Meadhbh does sometimes, but it’s because what they’re saying hurts so much I need to do something to cope with the pain they are dealing me. Externalising this emotional pain into something physical and visible tends to help.

What has brought me to this point?

I worked so hard for so long, threw so much energy and dedication into becoming the person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be perpetually dealing with self-harm, social anxiety, depression; I knew what I wanted in my life and I worked my ass off to get there. I came within weeks of seeing the light, and then everything fell apart in the space of ten days; I lost everything. All that work was for nothing…and I know I will never be the person I wanted to be again; he is gone. When I remember how close I came, and to have touched my dreams on this furtive plane…it just fills me with desperation, anger and pain.

Have I been here before?

Oh, many times, over many months, over many years. I couldn’t tell you exactly how many times I’ve self-harmed or wanted to self-harm; but I know the feelings which overwhelm me when I want to.

What did I do to deal with it?

When I feel them coming I do anything I can to push them aside. Listen to music, sing, dance, phone people, go for a walk or a ride. I’ll try anything to make the feelings go away.

How did I feel then?

It varies, sometimes what I do will distract me enough to get through that moment, others, no matter what I do I always feel the urge to self-injue.

What else can I do that won’t hurt me?

There are lots of things I can do which won’t hurt me. I’ve written a few blog posts in the past of things and distractions that I have tried. I quite often surf the net, stumble some pages or play online games. Take a shower, read a book, go for a walk (depending on the agoraphobia), phone friends, smoke, cry…the list is endless really, but sometimes nothing I do is ever enough. Sometimes no matter what I try it never takes those ghosts away.

How do I feel right now?

I’ve been having a rough day; so writing a post on self-injury is probably not the smartest idea I’ve ever had! It’s kinda triggering a little but I’m listening to music at the same time and stopping if I need to. The urge is quite high at this particular moment.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Depending on what I’m doing it will hurt - which is good - and then I will be overwhelmed with a tremendous feeling of bliss. The best way I can describe how I feel when I self-injure is “orgasmic”; it is the closest feeling to an orgasm I know, and is sometimes stronger and more potently enjoyable than the real thing.

How will I feel after hurting myself?

Guilty, sad, angry, frustrated but calmer and quieter than I had before. The simple act of self-harming will be enough to chase the ghosts away enough for me to focus, clear my head, and regroup before their next assault.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Again, depending on how I self injure, I may be in a great deal of pain - but as the “relief” of the initial infliction will have gone I will just be feeling it as pain, rather than orgasmic. I’ll no doubt get angrier with myself for relapsing again, and then start mulling things over, which will only make everything worse - and no doubt bring back the voice - and then the desire to self harm. It’s a vicious circle which is frequently hard to beat.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

My stressor right now is my head; my memories, my pain of something I lost. Some things trigger these memories, and I avoid them with a passion, other times my mind just brings it all up and I have no way to avoid it as it’s just THERE - and there’s nothing I can do about it. if I could avoid them I would, or if I knew how to deal with them (like I used to do before I lost everything), I would.

I could talk to people, try and make them understand what it is, what’s going on, why I do these things. Thing is, I’ve no-one to talk to besides the voices and the hallucination, and this reminder of the isolation only serves to fuel the initial stressors in the first place.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I shouldn’t need to, but sometimes I have to as it is the only thing I can do to make the pain go away. I wish it wasn’t like this, but sometimes I must hurt myself; I just don’t have a choice. It’s either that or death.