Overcoming Mental Illness

I really have no idea what’s going on any more. Seriously. My brain is a frazzled up piece of cheese, you know what I mean? It kinda feels - and I’m sure if we were to give me a lobotomy (maybe that’s what I need!) it would also look like - a globule of cheese that’s oozed out of your toasted sandwich and fried itself on the bottom of the frying pan.

Maybe that’s what I should do; fry myself on the bottom of a frying pan, but then I don’t think they make them that big so I guess that’s options not gonna take.

It’s the hardest thing for me at the moment, writing this blog. I’ve been battling through an utterly insane mixed episode for nearly two months now. Fighting off the crushing lows whilst dancing with the pixies on a daily basis as thousands of ideas and questions fluctuate through my mind. My day is a continually oscillating cavalcade of emotion, one second so high I feel I’m an immortal God, the next so low I’m nothing more than that once appetising but now rather manky piece of fried cheese. It’s kinda like this:

[CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VIEW]

every day! Except for the dinosaur, that was just humorous happenstance :-)

And everyone keeps wishing me “happy new year”, hell even I just wished everyone a Happy New Year - but seriously, what’s happy about it? Yep, it’s a new start. A whole fresh year, a brand spanking new set of twelve months to live through: but what’s the point? Everyone tells me to optimistic, to think that the worst has passed and things can only get better…

…can they actually get worse than 2007?

When I was sitting here on Monday night I didn’t even realise what the time was until I heard the fireworks. Whilst three quarters of the world were out getting pissed and partying their butts away, I didn’t even know what the time was until that first blasting clash of fireworks sent shivers down my spine and oozed an ominous odour of doom around the room. It was a bloody scary feeling: total and utter fear. Complete dread of having to endure another year of shite, another calender of atrocities and painful days of unending battling. There is actually so long someone can keep fighting for, it’s called energy, and no-one has an unending supply, but somehow (somewhy) I keep on trying.

So how does this happy (!) New Year start for me:

• I am homeless (again) as of tomorrow.
• I have no money.

and

• I am in the grip of a frightening, gruelling mixed episode.
• I have not a clue as to when I will be on a flight away from Oz.

that’s how I’m starting 2008. Other people started it by getting drunk with friends. I’m sure there’s a fair few million who started it pashing a stranger whilst out their heads on tequila (and no doubt a fair few people kicked off the new year by igniting their soul with orgasmic pleasure). I start it with an ominous sense of dread, homelessness, destitution and a complete inability to know what I’m going to be feeling in three minutes, let alone three days.

I don’t mean to be depressing, I really don’t. I wish I was being fun and humorous and recanting erudite tales of all sorts of wit filled excitement…but right now I can’t, and I’m sorry about that…maybe someday… :-)

It’s somewhat belated, yes, but I just wanted to wish all of my readers a happy New Year.

2007 was, for a lot of people I know, a very difficult year. A lot of shit happened, a lot of pain was felt, and all in all things went spectactularly wrong without anyone even really doing anything to deserve it.

I’m hoping 2008 will be a better year for everyone, and that it’s filled with happy moments and blissful memories.

Here’s hoping it’s a better time for all.