Overcoming Mental Illness

So there I am on a Friday afternoon in Melbourne.

Completely knackered.

It’s been a long day already and it’s only about 2pm!

I’ve been bothered by a nasty cold all week so my physical health is drained, and what with the myriad of other physical problems I deal with each day, colds are not at all just minor niggles for me. It hurts - and I mean hurts! An after effect of the fact I struggled to overcome glandular fever but that’s a whole other story!

I’m also going through this vicious mixed episode and the ridiculous roller coaster of manic-ups and treacherous lows every second, minute and hour of the day. Will I ever be able to just be on an even keel? But again, that’s a whole other story!

Thus my mood isn’t great when I haul my reasonably cute butt out of bed in the morning and go through the whole process of getting up and trying to battle on with the day ahead. Not easy at the moment. It would be easier should something be there to look forward to, but an early morning escapade to the outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne is not something to really look forward to when you’re battling mixed episodes, physical pain and physical illnesses. Anyhows, I have to do it all in 2 hours, due to momentarily forgetting that if you scan your 2hr metcard through the machines just after the hour it takes the 2 hours to be from the next hour (so if you swipe it at 10:01am it takes the two hours from 11am, thus you get three hours for the price of two - bargain! - whereas if you swipe it at 9:56am it takes it from 10am, which is what I did yesterday. Dope!)

I get out there, do my business of checking out places to live and have forced conversations to try and make myself out to be someone who at least has some reasonable grasp on his sanity. Not easy right now. And then have to rush back to the chaotic wonder of the city before the metcard runs out and I get slapped with either buying a new ticket or forced to pay a fine upwards of $150 because I didn’t think to wait five minutes!

By the time I drag my reasonably cute butt back to the hostel I’m completely knackered, legs wobbling from all the exertion and pain firing away from all corners of my body. It’s been like that for a fortnight really, so much to do, so little fun. So I end up leaning against the wall of the shower having a bit of a knackered cry before deciding to go down the self-harm route to at least give me the release I need to get through the rest of the day.

I don’t like doing it. Sometimes though when you’re working so hard and making so much effort and those mood swings keep oscillating I just end up doing it. Nothing too serious, a few slices here, a few cuts there. I have antiseptic wipes, plasters and bandages on hand to clean and wrap so it’s not as if I don’t know what I’m doing.

So when I get back to the room I am in a bit more pain than I had been before, but this is manageable pain, this was the pain I needed to help calm me down and refocus before my afternoon onslaught in the rebuilding of Addy’s life. I just hadn’t countered on an impromptu 45 minute phone interview which came with no warning.

Now remember all those old-adages about when you’re nervous imagine people naked. Well I was nervous, and keeping a close eye on the cuts and blood, but I wasn’t imagining the person at the end of the phone naked - I was naked. As I was through the whole interview, whilst trying not to let the blood drip too much onto the bed and whilst attempting to apply a bandage unsuccessfully with one hand. Not easy. In fact proved impossible. So I gave up at the 20minute mark and I’d deal with the pain and blood stain later, as long as I came off on the interview as reasonably sane.

Interview done I throw myself back down and check the cut, the blood has pretty much stopped but it hurts and it needs a wee bit of attention. So I grab the antiseptic wipes and being somewhat delirious from fatigue and emotional/mental exhaustion go to sort it out. BRING BRING. BRING BRING. Another phone call. Which I have to answer ’cause it’s the job agency I’m with so again have to sound all professional and with it, which I attempt, and sure the phone call becomes the most random I think I’ve ever been on the phone. All confused blabbering and incoherent speech. I can’t even really recall what I’d been saying. Annoyed with that I apply the treatment to my cuts, grab my jacket and swing out the room. (Or rather, when I say ’swing’ I mean hobble, as the majority of the cuts were on my leg so walking was a little difficult.)

I

Need

Alcohol

!

Which really isn’t a good idea given the mixed episode, cold, physical health issues, recent self harm, stressed mood and cavalcade of frustration: but after three whiskys and three Coopers I’m rather bouncy. Who wouldn’t be. After a fourth Coopers I’m positively, well, hyper, and well, manic. Hypermanic in fact.

I end up in my usual internet place randomly inviting anyone I fancy to be my Facebook and Myspace friends, typing obscure wall messages which I can’t remember and then cracking onto a few people in various different forms, forums and groups. I really don’t remember much after that aside from prancing around the city occasionally breaking into song and tap dance routines perfected in the Adelaide casino last year whilst cracking onto people in the flesh this time and getting the odd slap (good and bad) in return.

You see that’s why alcohol, medication, self harm, bipolar, physical & mental health problems do not a good combination make.

Alcohol is a depressant, but it’s one of those lovely and weird depressants which makes you high first - and with the on-sweep of emotion, fatigue, pain and ever-changing-moods I’d been experiencing all day - it was only ever gonna do two things. Make me too sick to move or induce a manic period. Fortunately the manic period has faded a little and as I type this am feeling what can only be described as a bitch of a hangover and ever so somewhat fading back into my shell of depressed loneliness.

At least though I know how to induce small periods of mania if I want to, maybe I should experiment and see if I can make them last longer, people seem to like me when I’m manic. I don’t like myself much, but other people take to me far more than when I’m just being “me”. Is there a lesson there I should learn? Maybe if I didn’t have a hangover I’d be able to see it a bit more clearly.

On the upside I have ended up with a few more Facebook friends, I have no idea who they are or anything about them but they’re there, and I’ve got a few more MySpace friends as well which is kinda cool. No fall out yet from the other stuff I did; haven’t quite had the nerve to check my messages yet.

Maybe later.

Maybe I’ll need some more Coopers afterwards :)

Do you know how long it’s been since I last thought of Garfield?

Well, actually it’s been about 3 and a half minutes…

…but before that, well we’re talking at least 8 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 3/4 days (approximate guess).

How I used to like Garfield, he made me smile. Back in those long distant days where happiness was something I felt daily instead of for a few fleeting bi-annual moments. Pookie made me smile too, but then how could Pookie not make you smile?

Then I am informed about a website which takes Garfield to a whole new level. Basically you remove Garfield from the comic strip. With that one element removed everything changes. It’s like when you take happiness from your life, everything changes, everything looks different, and people see it and you differently. It becomes something else, something much closer to the daily struggles of bipolar, schizophrenia and chronic loneliness. It does something new, imparts a message which people may not be able to understand in other ways. No matter how many words are written, sometimes it takes a visual slap on the butt to get something across, for example:

May hit home on loneliness as a daily way of life for some people in ways words in badly written blog posts may not. My life has moments like this on most days, as do many the world over.

Or take these examples:

All of which take you to far more disturbing, unsettling and uncomfortable emotional places than if that familiar cat was also in the frame. I guess that’s what happens when you remove happiness from the picture; your life becomes empty.

But not pointless.

Have some more Garfield-Less fun at: http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/

 Another public holiday, another religious festival, another day of me feeling like crap. Unlike Christmas when it was just me feeling like crap because of some godforsaken mixed-episode, which was much the same as why my New Year was also destroyed, this Easter I’ve also had the joy of some medication to back fire on me. Namely, Quetiapine fumarate aka Seroquel:

Seroquel belongs to a group of medicines called anti-psychotics which improve the symptoms of certain types of mental illness such as hallucinations, strange and frightening thoughts, changes in your behaviour, feeling alone and confused.

Umm, how exactly is a pill supposed to make you feel less alone and confused? Isn’t it contradictory that a pill which reduces your hallucinations also suppresses your feeling of loneliness? Surely people who are alone only have their hallucinations to make them feel less alone. No matter. They’re not really doing a bloody thing at the moment other than make me feel like a complete and utter zombie 24 hours a day - they’re not even helping me sleep, I just lie there having weird dreams about Kathy, Grace, Meerkats and Lucy. Lucy! I haven’t dreamt of Lucy for a looonnngggg time. Thought about her, yes, but not actually dreamed about her. Nope. These pills are doing bugger all at the moment aside from give me side effects. The list says:

| Dizziness | Feeling Sleepy | Rapid Heartbeat | Dry Mouth | Constipation | Indegestion | Feeling Weak | Swelling of arms and legs | Weight Gain | Fainting | Stuffy Nose | Low Blood Pressure in standing position | Allergic reactions | Fits | Fever | Very marked drowsiness | Muscle Stiffness| Marked increases in blood pressure or heartbeat | Reduced consciousness | Priapism |

Plus there’s the ‘if any of the following happen stop taking Seroqel and contact a doctor or the nearest hospital immediately‘:

| A fever, persistent sore throat or mouth ulcers, faster breathing, sweating, muscle stiffness, feeling unusually drowsy or faint | Fits or seizures | Allergic reactions that may include raised lumps, swelling of swelling around the mouth | That obscure sounding Priapism above (a long lasting painful erection) |

And it goes on…and on…and on…and for your information, those listed in bold above are ones I have experienced in the last few days. I suppose it could be worse, I could have a long lasting and painful erection!

So yep, my Easter has been chock-full of side effects and lacking in chock-olate and other such fun stuffs. I didn’t even paint any eggs, darn it! But how could my Easter have been different, if say, I had been in Eastern Europe?

In the Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovakia, a tradition of spanking or whipping is carried out on Easter Monday. In the morning, men spank women with a special handmade whip called pomlázka (in Czech) or korbá?(in Slovak), the women can retaliate by throwing cold water on the men. The pomlázka/korbá? consists of eight, twelve or even twenty-four withies (willow rods), is usually from half a metre to two metres long and decorated with coloured ribbons at the end. It must be mentioned that spanking normally is not painful or intended to cause suffering. A legend says that women should be spanked in order to keep their health and beauty during whole next year.

An additional purpose can be for men to exhibit their attraction to women; unvisited women can even feel offended. Traditionally, the spanked woman gives a coloured egg and sometimes a small amount of money to the man as a sign of her thanks. In some regions the women can get revenge in the afternoon or the following day when they can pour a bucket of cold water on any man. The habit slightly varies across Slovakia and the Czech Republic. A similar tradition existed in Poland (where it is called Dyngus Day), but it is now little more than an all-day water fight.

So there you have it. What would have been better? Spanking, whippings and waterfights - or side effects of anti psychotic medication. Maybe next year I should head to Eastern Europe!

Nevertheless I will keep you updated with all the medicated shenanigans over the coming days and, on Thursday, update you on yet another appointment with the Mental Health department. Who knows, it may even be hospital for little old me next :) I do hope however you all had an excellent Easter jam packed with chocolate, shenanigans and, if necessary, some aloe vera; I hear it has a rather soothing quality.

There really is nothing funny about social phobia/social anxiety disorder, it’s a bloody debilitating condition that makes it immensely difficult to forge relationships, have meaningful friendships or even buy a pint of milk…

…but that doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to laugh about it from time to time :)

Welcome one and all to the Carnival of Mental Illness, so let’s wait not a minute longer…

—–ISSUE V—–

Articles and Discussion

Deb Serani presents
Chemical Signature of Bipolar Disorder posted at Dr.Deb
This post looks at the chemical signature of Bipolar disorder, and how mental illness is often neurobiological in origin. 

Isabella Mori presents
An Interview with writer Laurie R. King posted at change therapy
An interview with the mystery/thriller writer whose characters are often dealing with mental health problems.

Doc presents
Depression: A disordered mind, body and soul posted at Mind, Soul and Body

Romeo Vitelli presents
Saving Ezra Pound posted at Providentia

Jose DeJesus MD presents
Physician Rating System Supported by Governer Cuomo posted at Physician Entrepreneur

Shaheen Lakhan presents
The Top Ten Secrets of the Mental Health Field: Part I
and
The Top Ten Secrets of the Mental Health Field: Part II
posted at GNIF Brain Blogger 

Personal Stories

Doc presents
Depression: My Story posted at Mind, Soul and Body

Society Stigma

Peter Jones presents
Alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder: New Book posted at Great New Books

Shaheen Lakhan presents
Brain Damage: In the Clinical Dark Ages posted at GNIF Brain Blogger

The Suicide Taboo

Carole Gold presents
A Message for the Children posted at McKay Today

and my own personal favorite this month

Therapy Doc presents
Choosing a Therapy Doc, or is that a Dodo bird? posted at Everyone Needs Therapy

—–

The sixth edition will be released on:
26th March 2008.

Submission Deadline:
25th March 2008.

SUBMIT ARTICLE ¤ BLOG CARNIVAL HOME ¤ CONTACT ME

Good morning, welcome to the mental health hotline…

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.