Overcoming Mental Illness

One of my pet peeves about suffering from bipolar/depression is the constant judgement I receive for being a depressing man. I do not view myself as a depressing man, nor do I view myself as depressed. To say I am “depressed” or “depressing” is labelling me with the illness I suffer from. It would be like labelling someone with cancer as “cancerous” or simply “cancered”. My illness does not define me, nor should it label who I am or my personality, but on so many occasions and by so many people (who could be described as ignorant) it does.

Depression is my illness, not my personality! Just as cancer is something someone has, bipolar/depression are things I have, and not am. (i.e. I have bipolar, I am not bipolar.)

Whilst writing a blog on mental illness it is difficult sometimes for people to get to know the real me, as often I am merely writing about how these illnesses have and are affecting me. In this first post of a planned series I hope to start showing people who I really am by exploring some of the idiosyncrasies and passions which make my blood bubble and my mind explode with pseudo-orgasmic delight.

Now I love art. I have done for a long time. Whilst travelling I would always make a trip to the city’s main art gallery in the first few days, and then spend time seeking out as many of the little galleries and hidden away gems that I could find. I have fond memories of Toronto, Halifax and Vancouver’s galleries - and some of the paintings & sculptures in Edinburgh and Inverness still haunt me to this day.

My favourite genre of art however is:

Faerie Art

In other words, art which depicts beings of otherworldly ethereal beauty. Faeries, imps, mermaids, pixies…anything along these lines make me go all goosebumpy with delight and I become almost intoxicated with pleasure.

My favourite artist of this ilk is Brian Froud, who some of you may know from his design work for the films The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. His book “Good Faeries-Dark Faeries” is a seminal piece in this field, and perfectly encapsulates the grace, eroticism and beauty which this genre always exudes. My copy of this book however has long since gone, gifted to a woman who I loved, and still do, and hope she receives as much pleasure from it as it gave me.

These days I explore deviantART for it’s cavalcade of wonderful work from this genre. There are so many artists in the world creating inspiring pieces of fantastical realms and beings that it always makes me yearn for the ability to draw (which I unfortunately cannot). Here are a few selections from my favourites collection to show you what I mean:

The following pieces are from the artist dark777fairy, who I adore tremendously and I think it is clear as to why from her work. They exude such a divine beauty and sublime power you can hardly not be captivated by her skills as an artist:

This genre of art is not the only one I am interested in. It is merely one of many, my favourite, and I am sure over time I will share more of my favourite art with you. In order for people to remove the “depressed” or “depressing” label from my head then they need to look beyond it.

Depression is but one tiny corner of who I am…faerie art is another, and a much bigger one at that!

I‘ve been trying for the last four days, been through countless versions, drafted so many different options and yet even now - three hours before the clock strikes midnight, I still can’t get the words out.

I know why - usually the Christmas spirit bites me with all the kinky fondness of a lover deliciously nibbling into the juicy flesh of their partner’s pert backside. One of those goose bump electrifying bites of extreme pleasure and excitement! (You know what I mean!)

This year, it feels like Rudolph has been mutated by comic book radioactive slime into a ravenous killer reindeer and has decided my arse is the appetiser!

So many children are getting excited right about now the world over. Impatiently waiting for the ticking down of the clocks so they can leap up the next morning and get stuck into their Wiis and bikes and iPods and Barbies. So many adults are gathering around getting slowly inebriated as they laugh over the joys and times of the months gone. So many friends are gathering in pubs and clubs drinking heavily and partaking in the knees up to end all knees up (well, at least until the 31st that is!) Wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends are relishing the thought of their Christmas Day shag, and just how awesome that nibble is going to feel this year.

So many people are sitting alone in their respective bedsits, flats, rooms, houses, gardens, outhouses, park benches and hostels wishing that all the above was happening to them. Instead, they get to pull out their knives, or check to see how many pills they have left, or whether they have enough blankets to get through the night.

The problem I am having with Christmas this year is that this is the time of year when empathy, compassion and the human spirit goes out the window. It’s a bit messed up, because really this should be the time of year when these things happen in abundance! People seem to be focused on all the fun they are having to realise what they can be doing for other people, their gestures of warmth and love feel somehow forced - committed out of necessity of the time of year, rather than out of love or friendship.

Everyone’s too interested in making their Christmas that bit more wonderful than thinking of what they can do to make someone else’s Christmas more exciting.

I sound like the grinch, I know, but I’m sure it’s not just me. There are so many people in the world who will be spending tomorrow alone. All the lost souls the world has forgotten and left to rot. Will anyone be thinking of those people when they tuck into their turkey’s, beach side BBQs or partner’s posterior?

I will be.

Ever since I first read it last week I have been thinking about a particular blogpost I read. It touched me in ways many blog posts don’t. It was about a man who killed himself, a man who was suffering from depression, a man who felt so alone and forgotten in the world that he had no other choice but to kill himself.

How many of the alone and forgotten will be thinking about this tomorrow? How many of the lost souls left to rot will feel they will have no other choice but to get out their noose?

How many family members and friends will be left wishing they had picked up the phone and had a friendly conversation rather than sending an email or instant message?

I know the feelings of desperation and loneliness only too well. I have attempted suicide twice this year, and have been on the verge too many times to count. Tomorrow, I get to wake up in the morning and face the day alone; no presents, no turkey (or tofurkey), no friends, no family, no warmth or love or compassion.

Just like so many who will be doing the same thing.

Christmas, one of the loneliest times of the year even when you are surrounded by friends and family. So when you’re tucking into your piping hot dinner tomorrow surrounded by family, or heading off down the pub to sing a song and be merry with all your friends, and thinking about how lonely you feel - think about all those lost, alone, depressed and forgotten souls who are spending Christmas actually alone.

(You do realise by the way that the song a lot of you happy smiley friend-surrounded people will be singing tomorrow in that merry pub is about a Christmas through the eyes of a lonely bitter alcoholic drug addict reflecting on his lost chances and ruined life)

Instead of just thinking about them, or planning to phone them and forgetting out of tipsy merriment, make the effort to let them know how much you care. Make the effort to tell them because you want to, not because you feel you have to just because ‘it’s Christmas’.

No-one should be alone at Christmas, but for some people, it’s a sad reality.

So, if you suffer from depression, bipolar, BPD, self harm or any mental illness…
Or if you are homeless and have no-where to go…

If your family and friends are on the other side of the world…
Or you are stuck working in that dead-end job…

If this is your first Christmas following the death of a loved one…
Or your first Christmas after a relationship break up…

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, which may sound hopeless, but I will be thinking of you all, promise. Please be kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone.