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The Manic Adventures of Addy in Scotland: Day 5 • 02.23.08

When I last left you it was Sunday, and I was experiencing a rather nasty reaction to the Prozac I was prescribed. It messed me up as Sunday was meant to be Glen Nevis/Cow Hill hike day - instead it was “lying on my ass and throwing up whilst wondering which of the wonderful side effects I was to experience next” day! I did however attempt to salvage something from the bowels of medicinal hell and dropped by the Fort William Mountain Festival: Art and Photography Exhibition which was somewhat spiffing I have to say.

There was a plethora of immensely talented work on display. Numerous drawings and collages from school children which - it has to be said, took my breath away - as well as paintings, photography and mixed media from local established and non-established artists. Such as:

(CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VIEW)

As the festival bumph states “From slacklining to biking and from Ben Nevis to Everest - the 2008 Mountain Festival is bursting at the seams with inspiring events guaranteed to get you in the mountain mood!” It’s a 100% bursting at the seams celebration of all things mountains! From hiking, climbing and biking to flowers, prehistoric organisms and, of course, the humble goat.

But we’ll have more of these festivities later, first up, we will resume to manic adventures of Addy (not quite in full on manic mode, has to be said, but the Prozac certainly wasn’t helping keeping the Hyde at bay!)

Day #5 - Glencoe and Table Mountains.

When I began this whistle-stop tour of Scotland I knew the places I was going to be visiting would fall into one of three categories:

Those wonderful brand spanking new spots I had always dreamed of visiting.
Those wonderful [no-where near brand spanking new] nostalgic paths of old which I have worn out over many years of traversing.
Those not-so-wonderful [and in no way brand spanking new] places of old I had once upon a time arrived and - as departing - stated “never again”

This particular day falls into the category of numero (ii).

Glencoe is one of the most intensely beautiful places in Scotland. Much like a mug of steaming hot chocolate which is over-flowing with dark chocolatey goodness - this region of Scotland is jam packed with history, wildlife, flora, fauna and an overwhelming sense of how miniature, pointless and insignificant we are in the grander schemes of the world.

My first visit to Glencoe came in September 1999 when I undertook my grand backpacking tour of this bonnie country and I have returned there on numerous occasions since. Upon this first occasion I became lost in the woods surrounding the river and took rather a lengthy sojourn in finding my way back to the village and bus-stop. I’ve traveled the glen by car, train and tour bus. Hiked the hills and forests and generally had a romping good time in this fau-chocolatey wonderland.

On this occasion I traveled to Glencoe in the weirdest bus I have ever seen. Granted, and rather unfortunately, it was not weird in the way Miyazaki’s Cat Bus is weird - but weird in the sense that unlike any bus I’d been on before (wherein the make up is:

[seat] [seat] {n i c e a i s l e} [seat] [seat]

The layout of this particular vehicle was:

[sea[seta]t] {redicuslouslytinyaisle} [se[astea]ts[eat]

To get across how tiny the aisle was think of a general school ruler, which is 30cm in length. This WOULD NOT fit in this aisle, in any way you could try and put it there! I tripped over three people, smacked a nice old lady in the head with a flailing arm as I did, and then, as a struggled to (a) climb over the seats and (b) retain balance - my head very nearly ended up in the crotch of a rather sprightly looking twenty-something woman. Which, from my viewpoint would be no bad thing - but from her viewpoint, having a strange man’s head delving into her nether regions on a public bus might not be her idea of a good time. I stress might not be as - really - everyone’s different and it’s all “each to their own” as in actual fact it might have made her year! We shall never know, as I retained balance and threw myself into the world’s most uncomfortable bus seat.

If anyone has ever traveled the A82 from Fort Willy to Glencoe I’d be willing to put money on the fact that the scenery is embedded in the core of your mind; it is unflinchingly one of the most beautiful stretches of road in this country. The views over Loch Linnhe toward Ardnamurchan are word defying, and as you cross the Ballachulish bridge you receive stunning panoramas over the North of Argyll toward the Pap of Glencoe, and the mountains beyond.

I departed at Glencoe Village and promptly began hiking up the glen. I paused for several moments at the visitor centre, reacquainting myself with the area before continuing further up the glen. I couldn’t say how far I walked, nor how many sheep I spotted, nor how many times I gasped in utter amazement that there is no-where quite like this on the planet.

A brief historical sojourn:

Glencoe is the scene of one of the bloodiest most upsetting moments in Scottish history. For it was in 1691 when the infamous “Glencoe Massacre” took place” Disgruntled with all the rebellions and conflicts William II issues a decree that any Highland clan would be given a pardon should they sign the treaty. The MacDonald clan leader, much like myself, was rather a slack fellow and left it until the last minute for the lengthy ride to Fort William to sign the treaty - which he did sign, albeit several days late of the deadline. Jumping on the chance an issue was ordered, and the Campbells (aligned with William) were sent to the Glen and enjoyed the Highland Hospitality offered to them by the Campbells. The Campbells stayed with the MacDonalds for ten days; sleeping in their homes, eating and drinking their food, having their way with the bountiful lasses (no doubt) and then one black morning the command as given and the Campbells duly began slaughtering every MacDonald under the age of 70; men, women and children. It was supposed to show what would happen should a clan stand against the wishes of William II. Many of the MacDonald’s did escape into the hills, but being a bleak and unforgiving place were killed by the elements…and for a far more in-depth retelling of the Glencoe Massacre try the book “Glencoe” by John Prebble, which is an excellent account.

As with Glenfinnan before it I spent the day hiking in the hills before returning to Glencoe village for a spectacular view out west as the sun was setting.

Upon returning to Fort William I dashed back to my abode, changed, made myself smell of honey (or at least better than how I smelt after a day’s hiking in the hills) threw up (because of the Prozac) and then had to remove the odor of vomit from my person before heading to the Nevis Centre (the entertainment hub of this fair town) for an evening of film as part of the festival.

There were short films, longer films, a couple of crap ones and a couple of spectacular ones. Stand outs for me were; 65 Degrees North in which a bunch of intrepid skiers headed to Greenland to be the first to descend some previously undescended peaks and the magical Puento; a one hour documentary dealing with exploring the table mountains and their caves in the Venezuelan rainforests. (This film, should you be given the chance, should not be passed up. It not only made me want to become a spelunker, but also elevated my desire to visit South America even more than it already was (and as South America is second on my list of not-visited-countries which I want to go to) this desire was already pretty fracking high.

Anyway, after a long day, I returned home and still somewhat queasy, clambered into bed. I was to be up early the next day as for the first time in seven years I was to become a sailor, which unfortunately did not include a cute little uniform, but I was island bound!

Posted in Art, Depression, Glencoe, Inspire..., Isolation, Medication, Men, Mental Health, Passion, Personal, Photography, Scotland, fort williamwith No Comments →

The Manic Adventures of Addy in Scotland: Days 1-4 • 02.17.08

Well that was a bit of a gap wasn’t it. Blimey. Almost a week without any interesting post whatsoever! Och well, these things happen, and when you’re shacked up in the Highlands of Scotland with little or no internet connection (and when there is some it keeps dropping out!) these things have to be expected!

Yep, Addy has returned to Scotland. Two weeks of hill walking, mountain climbing, hairy coo spotting and general let’s-visit-some-old-haunts excitement are in full swing! So let’s wait not a minute longer!

Day #1: Bristol - Fort William

My trip began at 1:45pm on Thursday 14th February 2008 (Valentines Day, schmalentines day) at Bristol airport. Yep, despite the fact I have a tremendous fear of it I opted to FLY to Scotland. You have to combat your fears somehow, don’t you? So there I was sitting in the smallest plane in the world listening to the cranks and crashes and oh so obscure noises these wee planes tend to make thinking “is this thing actually going to make it off the ground?” or “frack, that was a lesser spotted sparrow dive bombing into the engine! We’re all gonna die in a fiery inferno!”…

…but we didn’t, we took off, they tried to sell us all sorts of bizarre things at discounted prices, and then we landed in Glasgow about an hour later. Not too bad. Then came the trip to Glasgow Queen Street; a cavalcade of three buses, two walks and a train trip (if the internet was to be believed) but was in actual fact just a matter of getting on a bus and then - BAM - twenty minutes later I was sitting at the train station thinking “what the hell do I do for two and a half hours?” So I whipped out the DS to continue my epic game of Germ Buster(which had, by the way, begun on the plane and thus far had been rocking on for approximately 2 and a 1/2 hours) and when I boarded the train bound for Fort William it was still raging!

It has to be said the trip from Glasgow to Fort William by train is one of many utterly gorgeous train journeys in Scotland. The train winds north, leaving Glasgow and then heading into the lower Highlands before crossing the bleak and unforgiving Rannoch moor. Quite simply the scenery is devine - it’s just a shame I was taking the trip in the evening so the only thing I could see through the window was my own reflection, which, in a good light, is equally as devine (and equally as bleak and unforgiving)

My arrival in Fort William occurred at 10:06pm and my heart jumped a thousand beats as I alighted the train to be slapped in the face by the beautiful Highland air (i.e. sheet of ice which passes as Highland air) and I immediately skipped away from the train station with a barmy grin on my face.

Where I’m staying, I’ve stayed at before, so I knew exactly where I was going. Under the underpass (much better than going over it, it’s called an underpass for a reason), along the High Street, past the rather new looking memorial, and then a left up the stairs into the building which is a rather cheap and cheerful hotel. I threw my pack onto the floor - and like anyone who has just returned to his home after 6 years immediately resumed my game of Germ Busterwhich I played until I unceremoniously lost and then collapsed into bed.

Day #2 - Fort William

I missed breakfast. Or rather, when I descended the multiple staircases I couldn’t find breakfast. I had trained my nose to seek out the wistful odour of corn flakes, but alas, it picked up nothing. There was not a corn or a flake or a person to be found - so I went to Morrisons and had eggs on toast instead.

My first view of Fort William/the Highlands in the day light was something I had been eagerly anticipating (so much so I had, very nearly, performed a 10point worthy triple forward tuck roll down the staircase. So obviously, by definition, it was going to be something special - it was FOG! Yep, Loch Linnhe and the mountains I know so well were enshrouded in a blanket of mist which meant I couldn’t really make anything out - which sounds disappointing - but it isn’t. Scottish mist is all part and parcel of Highland life and in it’s own right is a beautiful sight to behold. I stood for a while, watching the mist roll over the crystalline waters of the loch past a wee red fishing boat which has been in the same spot (barring tidal changes of course) for the last six years.

My day was spent milling, meandering and moseying around this quaint wee town (the second biggest in the Highlands) and checking out what I have decided is the Op-Shop capitol of Scotland. So far, six of them! Which is really rather wonderful. I collected numerous brochures and sat by the Fort planning the things I wanted to do over the next couple of weeks.

Day #3 - Glenfinnan (on the shores of Loch Shiel)

Glennfinnan. A place so ingrained in my psyche that there’s not a single person who’s ever known me won’t be familiar with the name. A tiny wee town consisting of half a dozen houses, a Church, visitor centre, monument and viaduct…ahh yes, the viaduct, a monumental moment in Addy history in it’s own right. It’s been mentioned a few times in this blog, primarily here, and my return to this special place (my second favourite place in Scotland) was an emotional bumper car ride of conflicting ecstatica mixed with teary memories of times and moments from days of lore.

I know the place well and nothing had changed in the seven years since my last visit, well, a bench had disappeared (presumably eaten by wood-mites) which featured in a particular stirring memory of this place, but that’s besides the point. My track from the train station to the loch is well worn and I circumnavigated it with barely a second thought.

The monument itself isn’t anything special really. A cylindrical tower atop which stands the figure of a Highland soldier - many people presume it to be of Bonnie Prince Charlie himself (the monument’s existence being to commemorate the beginning of the 1745 uprising which he started) but it is not Charlie, rather it could be Geoff or Bob or Angus McHaggis. What makes the monument something special is it’s location, at the end of the Loch with the murky waters spanning off into the distance between the mountains. It is considered to be one of the great views in Scotland; and anyone who has travelled by train on the Road to the Isles will remember always the view as the train passes over the Viaduct.

I never really do much in Glenfinnan. I sit, I think, I ponder, I traverse hillsides and occasionally (as has been documented in the past, consider suicide). Today however I did all of the above (bar the last) I trekked up two different hills and half way up a mountain. I had a staring contest with a stag (I interrupted his meal of heather and grass gravy, to which he offered me none) and by the close of the day as I returned to the station looked a little windswept and brow beaten.

There is nothing in the world more delightful than trekking the Scottish hills and glens with only a friendly stag for company.

Day #4 - Fort William

So being a Sunday, there is little open in this wee town today. Scotland has a habit of closing it’s doors on a Sunday, which is fine by me, as I’m feeling a little queasy today. A visit to the medic on Tuesday saw me prescribed prozac which is not faring well with me and the side effects (I should be used to side effects by now) are taking their toll. So a quiet day today methinks in the hope the side effects will not become a feature of this trip, nor affect my adventure in the way they have the potential of doing.

On a slightly more annoying note I was not prescribed any mood stabilisers, not because I don’t need them, but because they wish to keep me off them for the next 6 months to monitor my changes. In a warped sense this makes sense, but having lived with my oscillating mood for so long now I had hoped for something to help control it - they are getting rather difficult to control on my lonesome.

I will return wit the further manic adventures of Addy in Scotland in due time, and if we’re lucky, perchance the prozac will kick in a manic phase - as it has the possibility of doing!

PS…The first in the Manic Adventures of Addy in Scotland Video Blog will be posted as soon as I’ve had time to upload it!

Posted in Bipolar, Depression, Medication, Mental Health, Personal, Photography, Scotland, Suicide, fort william, glenfinnanwith 2 Comments →

I am more than my Depression #2: Photography • 02.08.08

One of my pet peeves about suffering from bipolar/depression is the constant judgement I receive for being a depressing man. I do not view myself as a depressing man, nor do I view myself as depressed. To say I am “depressed” or “depressing” is labelling me with the illness I suffer from. It would be like labelling someone with cancer as “cancerous” or simply “cancered”. My illness does not define me, nor should it label who I am or my personality, but on so many occasions and by so many people (who could be described as ignorant) it does.

Depression is my illness, not my personality! Just as cancer is something someone has, bipolar/depression are things I have, and not am. (i.e. I have bipolar, I am not bipolar.)

Whilst writing a blog on mental illness it is difficult sometimes for people to get to know the real me, as often I am merely writing about how these illnesses have and are affecting me. In this first post of a planned series I hope to start showing people who I really am by exploring some of the idiosyncrasies and passions which make my blood bubble and my mind explode with pseudo-orgasmic delight.

Photography

I’ve been interested in photography for as long as I can remember. Now I’ve never considered myself to be a great photographer, but I will admit to thinking that some of the photos I’ve taken are great. I’ll not actually say which ones (that you’ll have to work out for yourself) but I do like my work enough to be incredibly proud of the images I’ve taken.

I’ve gone through so many cameras in my life, far too many to actually remember them all. I went through all sorts of dodgy 35mm and disposable ones when I was but a mere babe, even a couple of APS (remember those) when I was a teen. Of course as the bug continued to bite I graduated to a wonderful beast of an Olympus OM2 which took me through my photography course and then a glorious Minolta Dynax 5 which I was obsessed with for years and was the artifact which hurt me the most when I lost it last year.

If I had to choose a particular field of photography I’m most obsessed with, it would be people. With is a bit of a misnomer really as this is the field I have dabbled in the least - an unfortunate side effect of social anxiety. When I say people I mean portraiture, body abstract and nude; I take so much pleasure photographing the beauty and wonder of the human figure it really does make me explode with pseudo-orgasmic delight, or in the cases when I have dabbled in this field, pre-orgasmic delight ;)

[I can't show you those though!]

So instead here’s a small selection of my work:

And some work from photographers whom I admire greatly (some you’ll know, others you may not) and is a mix of all sorts of genres; landscape, portraits, candid, humorous, arcitechture, nude and abstract:

If you fancied checking out more of my photos I have a blog called Stray Thoughts Photography which is added to every now and then showcasing over a decades worth of photos - good and bad (!) Hopefully one day I will resume taking photographs; one of the most relaxing and inspiring past-times I know, and one which I’ve missed greatly.

Other posts in this series are:
Faerie Art

Posted in About, Art, Depression, Passion, Personal, Photography, Self Confidence, Stigmawith No Comments →

Stray Thoughts Photography - Addy’s Photographs • 01.26.08

I’ve always had a passing interest in photography and though I would never call myself another other than a budding amateur I’ve always gained a huge amount of satisfaction playing with camera and snapping of photos. Many moons ago I had my own website, however, as with all things the ever eroding tide of time eroded this from existence and, like so many things, we come around in that circular motion once again.

This blog is all my work. A collection of photos spanning over a decade; some good, some bad, some ugly, some beautiful.

Stray Thoughts Photography
::Landscape::Abstract::Travel::People

I hope you find something to enjoy here

Posted in Inspire..., Photographywith No Comments →

My 64 months in Australia - A Retrospective • 01.05.08

It’s been 64 months that I’ve been in Australia.It’s been 64 months of ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, misery, laughter and despair.

It’s been 64 months…wow…still can’t believe it’s nearly over.

It hasn’t really sunk in yet, even though it should’ve done. All the things I didn’t get to do are flying through my mind and joining up with all those things that I did do.

It’s been a long five years, it’s been an incredible five years, it’s been an emotional five years, and by fuck I’m gonna miss it here!

This is a month by month, memorable moment by memorable moment, account of my time in Australia.

This has been my 64 months in Australia…

A quick note on the links:
The links which are bolded will take you to a photograph taken by me.
The links which are italicized will take you to one of my blog posts on the subject.

Oct-02	My arrival in this sun burnt land of beaches, cricket and mad (wo)men!
Nov-02	My first live concert (‘My Friend the Chocolate Cake’ & ‘Archie Roach’) culminates a month spent adjusting and re-acclimatsing to this new country. I find the weather brutal, and it takes me about a week to realize I shouldn’t go to the beach in a leather jacket and woolen jumper in 30+ temperatures…as this is no longer the UK!
Dec-02	My first Christmas in the summer and I’m feeling bloody homesick, quitting smoking is affecting my self-harm urges and I occasionally consider it but never actually do anything. I am however loving Melbourne!
Jan-03	My partner and I move into her flat and start setting up our life together in Australia. I continue adjusting to the heat and rebuilding my life here.
Feb-03	My new job as a charity collector and trip down the Great Ocean Road follows my first live viewing of Colin Hay (yay!)
Mar-03	My new job as receptionist at Chapman Gardens YHA gets me back into the hostel world and I love it; I describe the hostel as the little hostel that could due to it’s potential. My application for temporary residency is in full swing and taking up a lot of time.
Apr-03	My application for residency is sent after weeks of work and I begin working on several photography projects in my spare time.
May-03	My medical tests for temporary residence are marred by the slightly embarrassing moment of being unable to provide a urine sample under such pressure and result in downing a 2litre bottle of water which makes it easy to provide the test but results in me dashing from public loo to public loo for the next couple of hours.
Jun-03	My job at Chapman Gardens YHA ends due to the three month stipulation of my working visa and I am thrown once again into the job market.
Jul-03	My stress at being unemployed and waiting to see if I’m accepted as a resident is taking it’s toll and I begin to notice depression signals but fight hard to keep it under control.
Aug-03	My acceptance as a temporary resident of Australia is a weight off my mind and bloody exciting!
Sep-03	My return to work at Chapman Gardens YHA gets me an income again.
Oct-03	My first viewing of those cute and cuddly penguins on Phillip Island coincides with a co-manager job becoming available at the hostel. I am successful in my application, and this coincides with my anniversary in being in Australia: my partner tells me she’s never seen me happier.
Nov-03	My new job as co-manager of Chapman Gardens YHA begins and I start to settle into the new position. My time becomes taken over with the hostel.
Dec-03	My time this year was primarily spent working and I did a lot of work on my social anxiety. Although there were specific events which occurred that I remember this year by the events are not common knowledge, and also include another person, so I am not wishing to divulge them in a public forum. If they were merely about me I would do so. Things which did happen for the first time in 2004 however included: seeing ‘Shooglenifty’ for the first time, meeting someone I desperately wanted to work behind reception for the first time, my continuing love of local Australian music, and falling deeper in love with Melbourne and this country.
Jan-04
Feb-04
Mar-04
Apr-04
May-04
Jun-04
Jul-04
Aug-04
Sep-04
Oct-04	My anticipation over my parent’s arrival starts to overwhelm me.
Nov-04	My parents arrive for their first visit to Australia and I’m told later I have never looked so happy. I visit the Grampians for the first time and then on the 29^th begin a three month period of work with only one day off until February 2005!
Dec-04	My workload is intense, stressful and ridiculous and it leads to my first self-harm in Australia (and first self harm in 5 years; the box of matches) This goes unrecognized by everyone in my life (both at home and at work) as the pressures of work overwhelm me.
Jan-05	My depression returns and I find self harm beginning to dominate my thoughts again as work starts to get ridiculous. My boss however is a gem and tries to help in whatever way he can.
Feb-05	My first day off in three months is spent at a doctor’s - a much needed visit.
Mar-05	My first trip to the Port Fairy Folk Festival is a highlight of Australia and I get to see ‘Capercaillie’ play live, a fantastic experience, and I have a much needed holiday following my three months of work.
Apr-05	My co-manager leaves and I am promoted to Manager of Chapman Gardens YHA. I also begin work on my photography website which goes live and I’m proud of it. The decision is made to rename the hostel and I put forward Melbourne Oasis YHA, which is later chosen as the new name.
May-05	My workload as Manager is higher than before but no-where near as bad as during the summer. The new team I hire is (IMHO) the best hostel team in Melbourne and I still believe three of them to be the best hostel receptionists I’ve ever met in my long and illustrious career (including the person I had met in 2004 who I finally got behind reception) My application for permanent residency begins.
Jun-05	My time is dominated with a new computer system and the beginning of the renaming process at work.
Jul-05	My acceptance as a permanent resident of Australia thrills me and I feel the happiest I’ve felt in ages.
Aug-05	My time continues to be dominated by work, the renaming process and the computer system.
Sep-05	My time, again, continues to be dominated by work and I start to think about self harm again…and think it’s time for a holiday.
Oct-05	My first trip to Wilson’s Prom and my first viewing of a wombat in the wild is an awesome experience marred by the onset of a nasty flu virus, and I go to Port Fairy to recover from this. My work at renaming the hostel Melbourne Oasis YHA ends when the name officially changes.
Nov-05	My summer kicks off in okay fashion but work is still stressful and starts getting to me about how much effort I do and how little money, respect and recognition I get from my employers. My stress levels are once again on the rise and I continue to fight social anxiety hard; inklings of self harm are on the horizon.
Dec-05	My self harm urges peak but I continue to pretend all is well and good in the world for the staff and guests as I try to make it an excellent summer for the people at the hostel. I am feeling very homesick after so long away and am becoming increasingly angry at my social anxiety and how it’s affecting my life.
Jan-06	My mind starts to consider resignation as stress levels reach new highs at work. My relationship is being severely affected by this, and I am thinking of self harm again and wanting to beat the crap out of social anxiety. I am however making headway with finally making friends with people in Australia.
Feb-06	My life implodes as everything at work, home and play reaches crisis point. On one day at work alone I nearly; self harm in front of staff, hit a guest and come within a heart beat of smashing every glass in the kitchen! Suffice to say I don’t and am unable to tell my colleague about what I’m feeling despite her concern; a few days later I take sick leave and head to Port Fairy so I can try and get everything under control.
Mar-06	My decision to end my job is emotional and affected by depression and anxiety but eventually taken. I leave, and as per plan, attempt suicide following the folk festival in Port Fairy. I don’t go through with it and return to Melbourne. I see Colin Hay again and get my photo taken with him, in which I unfortunately look like a psychopath, but on the plus side, a deliriously happy psychopath.
Apr-06	My counselor and I continue to work on my issues and I move out of my flat for a few weeks. I self harm for the second time in Australia and a friend nearly discovers this by accident on a night out karaokeing.
May-06	My partner and I continue attempting to rebuild our relationship whilst I continue to control and fight the return of my depression and self harm urges.
Jun-06	My depression continues to worsen and the counseling sessions aren’t helping too much. My partner and I begin joint sessions and I find self harm urges difficult to control.
Jul-06	My social anxiety is being affected drastically by my depression and begins to seriously affect friendships, employment and my relationship.
Aug-06	My relationship ends. Everything goes black.
Sep-06	My new home is pretty shocking but it’s a place to live and I do my best to make it look homely. I self harm for the first time since April, and repeat frequently throughout the month. Despite a terribly low mood continue my attempts to overcome depression and social anxiety and start making some headway. My second best day of the year takes place.
Oct-06	My housewarming party is held (and I dress as a sexy pirate), my best day of the year takes place, my work overcoming depression is starting to payoff but I continue to self harm out of addiction until I get it under control by the end of the month, my social anxiety is on the wane and I start seeing my new girlfriend.
Nov-06	My girlfriend is diagnosed with glandular fever, I spend the month working part time and being a pseudo-nurse to her. I get the idea for my novel and begin writing it. My depression is now all but overcome.
Dec-06	My parent’s second visit to Australia is awesome, exciting and a grand time. New job, acceptance into college and getting my depression under control continue to excite and the stirrings of glandular fever don’t get in the way too much - but social anxiety continues to annoy.
Jan-07	My happiness of overcoming depression is muted because of the full onset of glandular fever which completely knocks me on my ass making it almost impossible to do anything - my new job ends - but I do take some of the best photos of my life.
Feb-07	My glandular fever rolls on in crippling fashion and it’s depression symptoms kick in a mite, but I fight them. My college course starts, am closer to overcoming social anxiety, my first novel is completed which makes me feel awesome and I begin work on another…then…CLL diagnosis, dumped by my girlfriend by text message a week later (unbeknownst to the CLL), kicked out of college, lose study benefits. Glandular fever starts getting worse because of the emotional strain and the depressive symptoms consume me. I self harm for the first time since October.
Mar-07	My nervous breakdown! Depression inevitably returns, self harm inevitably returns, my social anxiety work amounts to nothing, my social network begins to collapse and I resort to selling everything to survive. I start taking medication and the side effects are brutal; my body and mind are so weak I can’t think straight in any way.
Apr-07	My ex continues her emotional abuse, my hallucination returns, my self harm becomes the worst it’s been since my late teens, trips to hospital and GPs become regular and I continue to sell all my possessions.
May-07	My second suicide attempt in Australia sees me unconscious but survive, my ex continues her emotional abuse and tells me I should kill myself (unbeknownst to the suicide attempt), my social network is now one person and I’ve now lost pretty much everything. I do however finish the first draft of my second novel.
Jun-07	My decision to leave Melbourne is swift, goodbyes swifter, I end up in Adelaide and have 75% of my belongings and clothes stolen, I start researching both emotional abuse and leukemia and attempt to come to terms with all that’s happening.
Jul-07	My ex continues her abuse by email, that same week; a family member is in hospital following an overdose, I am having tests for my leukemia as well as a painful polynoidal sinus and have to go to hospital several times, my self harm worsens to it’s worst point of the year thus far and I experience my first “manic” phase of the year which scares the living daylights out of me. I return to Melbourne as the manic phase weakens and hope I don’t bump into my ex.
Aug-07	My attempts to continue rebuilding my life continue to fall apart, my application for Australian citizenship is sent, and I have to return to hospital for an operation for my polynoidal sinus and am virtually couch bound for two weeks. I find the manic phase ending and enter a nasty depressive phase and begin to seriously consider bipolar with my psychologist and GP.
Sep-07	My depressive phase gets in the way of job hunting and I find myself thinking about self harm again, my interviews for citizenship take place and I’m not successful, my depressive phase worsens and I realize my ‘deadline’ is close.
Oct-07	My deadline is reached and I decide to kill myself; which I attempt but fail and go to hospital, where I am sent home after 30 minutes. I spend a week in shock and disarray and begin work on a blog, titled All that I am, all that I ever was which goes live on the 21^st.
Nov-07	My bipolar diagnosis is confirmed and I realize my future will never be what I dreamed of it being despite what I do to control the illness, my episode becomes a mixed state and the transitions from mania/depression become impossible for me to control as well as being incredibly scary. I consider suicide again, have returned to self harm on a regular basis, and end up in hospital because of it. My birthday comes and goes as it does for most homeless people.
Dec-07	My mixed episode worsens and my self harm is now hard to control, I have to leave Australia but a vicious anxiety/panic attack makes it impossible to get on the plane and I am forced to reschedule and go onto the waiting list. My Christmas is a nasty period of depression, fear, panic, anxiety and self-harm and this remains until the New Year. The decision however is made to move my blog to Wordpress.
Jan-08	My final month in Australia. So far, not much to report aside from melancholy, depression, self harm, anxiety and a return to suicidal feelings. My mixed state continues it’s ridiculously long running time!