Overcoming Mental Illness

As the end draws near, the finale of the rather short and randomly intermittent Starter for Ten series. Where the questions which have been perplexing you are answered. So with my fingers getting all itchy on the buzzer, here we go: 

1) How much money have you made in this blogging venture of yours? Surely all this moaning about your life was only for the money?

I have made - taking into account competitions, online costs and internet cafes - minus £143. Yep, this blog has actually cost me money! Woohoo!

I never set out to make any money from this blog, that was never the intention, and even as the blog progressed I never for a moment thought about trying to make any money from this it.

The recent appearance of adverts was a natural addition and any money raised through these adverts were to be donated to charity.

There is way too much self-thinking going on in the world at the moment – way too many people clammering to make as much money as they can for their next great adventure or the latest upgrade in technological advancement. It really annoys me, everywhere I look there’s money making schemes and “how to win it big so you can afford that big house on the beach and mock those less fortunate than you” ventures. And don’t even get me started on The Apprentice. I’m all for making money, we all need it to live, but there should be a point when we stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about what other people are going through. My main issue with the world as it is today is the selfishness of it, it’s contaminating society, and everyone is becoming more apathetic to other people in their monumental me-me-me-me-me quest.

So to anyone who thinks this blog has made me money, you’re wrong. I never wanted to make money from this blog. I wanted to share my life, the problems I’ve had to face, raise awareness of mental illness and related issues which no-one talks about. Expose myself to the world so that others in similar situations don’t feel so lonely. That was always why I did it and not for a second did making money ever cross my mind.

Whilst I’m on the subject:

Through this blog, £15 has been raised for the Mental Health Foundation. Not much, but something.
And the current total through Stray Visions: The Stray Thoughts Art Shop is £238.

Which I’m quite proud of.

2) What is it you are feeling when you self harm?

Fear. Pain. Relief. Anger. Relief. Fear. Joy. All manner of things really. I’m very proud of (Some) True Confessions of a Self Harmer as well as A Self Interview with a Self Harmer both of which were me trying to explain how I feel when and why I self harm.

3) What do you miss about Australia?

So
Many
Things

Edinburgh Gardens – Walking down Chapel Street – Chilling on the Beach – Cycling the bike paths, especially the Yarra track and along the bay – rainforests – the wonderful food at the VegieBar and cafes of Brunswick Street – sitting by the Torrens – the people – my old friends – the plethora of second hand bookshops – Port Fairy – the ice cream – Adam Hill – the great festivals in Melbourne – Wombats – bikinis – Sean Micallef – the music scene – Carlton Gardens – the Dandenongs – Trivia Nights – the future I nearly had – and so – much – much – more - …

I could go on and on and on about what I miss about Australia, I could write a whole separate blog on the subject of this country, detailing in great length all the things I love, miss and (vice versa) the problems and annoyances with the country. I tried hard to make my life and future in Australia, unfortunately, Australia decided it didn’t want someone like me.

4) What was the last thing that made you giggle? What was the last thing that made you smile? What was the last thing which made your heart skip a beat? What was the last thing that made you glad to be alive?

Giggle? Easy – that Adipose sliding down the bonnet of the taxi.

We need more ridiculously cute aliens. How many people the world over said “I want one!” after seeing this!

Smile? An email I received a few days ago. Yep. That made me smile big time :)

Skip a beat? It’s a bit sad (like my life these days), but an episode of a television series I watched last night had a line that not only caused my heart to skip a beat but momentarily stop as well. The line was “Because you’re breaking my heart,” and it was delivered so perfectly that anyone who says television is an empty void with no redeeming features watches way too much reality television.

Glad to be alive? We have to be going back over a year for that one, so far back in time in fact that I can’t actually remember what it was. Ach, well!

5) Do you think your post talking about your manic phase will alter people’s opinions of you?

Yes, I do. Stigma dictates a lot of people’s perceptions of mental illness, so going into such a topic was a hard choice to make.

I have wanted to talk about it in the past, but was aware that it may cloud people’s views of me. They might focus on the selfish misogynistic aspects of the phase rather than the confusion and danger inherent in the phase. However, setting out to detail my life, I think it’s important to be there as it opens up further knowledge of the difficulties in living with manic depression.

6) If you had unlimited funds and unlimited time constraints (i.e.: past, present, future) and no obligations to fulfill….. Where would you like to go on holiday?

Good question…a bloody hard question as well. I mean there’s the simple answer of the holiday’s I nearly had; the Whitsunday week and South American trip I had planned for last year, they would have been fantastic to do and I’m frustrated things didn’t pan out as I’d hoped. There’s also just the odd countries I’d love to have the opportunity to explore; Italy, Iceland, Norway, Spain, France and New Zealand. Or the cities I’d love to visit; Los Angeles, St Petersburg, Perth, Sienna, Barcelona for various reasons or people.

But with unlimited time constraints?

A Round the World Trip.

Fairly standard answer I think, but if I had no time or money constraints (and we’ll forget energy and health constraints as well) I would travel the entire world in as much detail and depth as I could. Most likely I would go west, as not only is it a kick-arse song which I could adopt as an anthem but I would battle to achieve something I always wanted to do, which was travel the world without stepping on a plane!

First port of call would be to learn how to drive and then obtain a Harley Trike, ever since Billy Connolly took a world tour of Australia on one, I’ve dreamed of circumnavigating the globe on one of these beasts.

Europe would be first; France, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, Sweden, Finland etc etc etc etc before zipping across and through all those wonderful Eastern European countries and then upwards to Russia to join the Trans Siberian Express (a trip I have ALWAYS wanted to do, and pretty much everyone who’s met me knows not only my love of trains but also my desire to traverse this particular route). Then down through China, bumming around all those wonderful exotic Asian countries before dropping down to Australia.

I’d go counter clockwise, most likely kicking off in Darwin round the coast to Perth, all around those Western States and then zipping across to Adelaide, up to Uluru and the red hot centre, then diagonally down to Melbourne (ahhh, Melbourne) where I’d hang out for as long as the sore-bum from the trike took to heal. Catching up with forgotten friends, old haunts and favourite spots, before heading to Tassie by Ferry, exploring this vast much dreamed of island, and then back up to Melbourne before continuing around the coast. If I did a complete circuit I may have to double back somewhere as I’d head New Zealand way next before crossing the Pacific and hitting the States.

There’s people there I’d try to meet if they’d like to, and if I were able to get the trike across, perhaps a road trip USA style around that vast country. Canada of course, of bloody course, would be revisited and then straight down to Latin America; Mexico, Cuba, dancing and music, before continuing further and further southwards into all the South American countries and then heading even further south to Antarctica.

I’d hang with the penguins for a while before tripping up to South Africa, defrosting the bike, and then heading northwards once again through this continent. I’d skip the UK for now, zipping up to Greenland and Iceland. And whilst sitting on a glacier thinking of all where I’d been I would realize I’d missed some places and have to hire a private jet to take my trike to Alaska, India, and wherever else I hadn’t been before heading back to the UK.

Starting in the Shetlands I’d journey the length of the country and then when it was all over wonder what the hell I would do next.

Of course, as I traveled around, I may even pick up a few people who would be welcome to come along for the ride, either on my same trike or perhaps they could get their own (courtesy of my unlimited funds) and we could go for a world “how many harley trikes can we get going around the world” record.

Or something like that.

But to be honest, I’d be quite happy just heading somewhere simple and cheap if I would be able to spend some time with people from my past again or those I’ve never met but would love to spend time with.

7) How hard is it to write about emotional abuse? Doesn’t it just bring it all back?

It’s always been hard for me to write about emotional abuse. Not because it just brings it all back, as I’ve never been able to get over it to begin with, so it’s already there all the time. But because of the reason I wrote first in the initial post on emotional abuse. I always had the utmost respect for the person who subjected me to this treatment, and I still do. I care about her greatly and always will. I’ll never understand why she treated me this way or what she was thinking whilst she was doing it. I talk about it because of how it has affected and destroyed my life and wish this form of abuse was talked about in the same way that physical and sexual abuse are talked about. 

As I’ve said throughout the blog, I have made mistakes through my life, but no-one ever deserves to be treated in this way regardless of their mistakes.

I was taught to forgive and forget as it is the only way people can seek the closure they need and move on. I don’t hold grudges. If someone is frequently being reminded of all their mistakes, how are they ever supposed to change? 

8) Do you think you’ll ever overcome all of the demons you’re fighting?

Short answer – no.

Long answer – noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Seriously, I was fighting the demons for so long that when I finally overcame them in early 2006 I was exhausted, especially with the glandular fever. So to be diagnosed with CLL almost as soon as I’d done so was just a slap in the face, and the resulting collapse of my life has basically taken all the energy and drive from me. To lose what I lost I would not even wish on my most reviled of worst enemies.

It’s not that I’ve given up, as I’ve continued to fight even when my back’s been against the wall and my soul’s been staring into the flaming fires of hell, I’ve dragged myself back from the brink on dozens of occasions in the last twelve months. A point however has been reached when I no longer believe I have the energy to fight as hard as I did for those 14 long years. The demons will always be there, I’ve no doubt about that, I had my chance to be the person I always dreamed of being. I lost that chance.

And we only ever get one chance with everything and one in life.

And that’s it. Only one post to go now and I’ll be honest in saying I’m trying to make it a ‘classic’, it will also be a lot happier and perkier than the posts which have gone up over the last few days.

Of all the treatments I have tried to combat depression with over the last fifteen years this is the only one I have had success with, as such, I believe it to be the greatest treatment for depression…so tomorrow, this will be discussed, in the final stage of Addy’s Journey with Depression.

Well?

Nothing wrong with asking a question now is there :)

Take a moment to vote in this poll and then wait for the winning post to wing it’s way onto the site in no time at all.

Let’s try slap this blog back onto track shall we. It’s been a rough few weeks, at the end (or is that the middle of) a rough twelve months…we shall see…and to begin let us commence with round 3 of the Starter for Ten quiz.

In the Starter for Ten series I attempt to answer any of the questions which have been thrown at me by my wonderful readers with the same honesty and bizarreness I try to inject into each of my entries.  

If you’re just joining us now you can review round one here and round two here, back on the old blog.

So, finger on the buzzers (even though I’m the only contestant) and let’s begin.

—–

1. Why dont you add “and all I ever will be” to the title?

I did actually kinda answer this with this post, in a roundabout incredibly depressing way!

However, I never considered adding this line to the title of the blog, partly because I hope that I will (at some point in the future) not suffer from the mental health conditions I have. Or in other words be able to control them enough to live as normal a life as possible. Or in other words, I hope that what I am now will not be all that I will ever be.

I also didn’t add this line to the title of the blog because the song which inspired it doesn’t have this line as part of the lyric - and I didn’t want to mess with contemporary song perfection :p

2.  I’m sure my partner has bipolar disorder. Will it ever go away even after taking medication?

I would absolutely 100% in every way love to answer this with a resounding YES!

However, I can’t.

From all of the research I’ve conducted since being diagnosed bipolar, it’s not cureable. It will be there in the background throughout my entire life and will never truly “go away”. Medication helps to control the symptoms/mood swings which are so difficult to deal with, but unfortunately they won’t erase the illness in the way that one can overcome the flu or glandular fever.

I also wished to make a note of something which comes to mind having read the way your question is framed. Bipolar is something which really should be diagnosed by a medical professional so if you believe your partner has bipolar it is best to speak to your GP and/or local mental health team in order to obtain the diagnosis, help and support which your partner (and yourself) will need in order to help control the condition.

3. How is it that you are so witty yet find yourself without friends? Do you make friends easily on the net because there’s a buffer or safety zone in the anonymity?

Witty? Up until now I can’t actually recall anyone ever having used this word to describe me. Not quite sure what to say now - you could however toast marshmallows from the warmth radiating from my blushing cheeks, so that’s something I guess, if you like marshmallows - or even just the thought of blushing cheeks.

I’ve never really understood why I don’t make friends easily. Granted the social anxiety doesn’t make it easy for me to start conversations, either in person or on the net, so that’s probably one rather obvious answer - but given the fact I do have a rather intimate understanding of who I am and that I consider myself to be a rather decent person you would have thought I’d have more friends than the resounding -zero- that I currently have.

Throughout this last year I have put a lot of time into thinking about friendship and the impact depression/mental illness has on it. Building, maintaining and growing friendships is hard enough as it is - let alone without the added burden of mental illness causing all sorts of dilemmas and issues. As is fairly obvious with this blog I miss my friends and the relationships I once had and the continuing downward spiral I’ve been in has only added to the difficulty in making new friends and ongoing relationships. I guess it’s not going to happen until  I have these illnesses under control. 

Even the safety zone/buffer you talk about in regards to internet friends is difficult for me to overcome at the moment, the social anxiety impacts on my life here as well and I frequently dissect and choose not to send some emails and messages I plan on sending because of the possible humiliation which may come from doing so. This can sometimes make chatrooms and emailing very difficult - yet another aspect of social anxiety which is often overlooked by the general public.

So I guess despite this attempt at an answer it’s not a very good one, I wish I knew why I didn’t have friends and why I find it so hard to make them, but I guess I don’t quite yet know…maybe one day.

**Trigger Warning**
This post deals with self-harm. If you are close to self harm and/or need to distract yourself from inflicting please head to the game zone to have some fun for a while.

I started self-harming when I was in High School as a way to deal with bullying, low self-esteem, social anxiety and an onsetting depression. I was able to get it under control in mid 1999, and after a brief relapse in 2001, had it under control until 2007. I have self harmed on/off since my breakdown in March 2007 and am not yet in the space to get it under control again at this time.

It has always been hard for me to talk about my past, and more specifically the reasons why I do self-harm. In this post I will answer some questions regarding self harm, it’s an interview with myself basically.

If you have any questions of your own, please feel free to ask them.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

It’s a whole cavalcade of things really. It’s the voices in my head mainly, ghosts of times past and the future that was never to be. Meadhbh, my hallucination chips in, and in no time they’re singing a hearty chorus of anti-Addy anthems which I just need to stop. It’s not that they tell me to do it, Meadhbh does sometimes, but it’s because what they’re saying hurts so much I need to do something to cope with the pain they are dealing me. Externalising this emotional pain into something physical and visible tends to help.

What has brought me to this point?

I worked so hard for so long, threw so much energy and dedication into becoming the person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be perpetually dealing with self-harm, social anxiety, depression; I knew what I wanted in my life and I worked my ass off to get there. I came within weeks of seeing the light, and then everything fell apart in the space of ten days; I lost everything. All that work was for nothing…and I know I will never be the person I wanted to be again; he is gone. When I remember how close I came, and to have touched my dreams on this furtive plane…it just fills me with desperation, anger and pain.

Have I been here before?

Oh, many times, over many months, over many years. I couldn’t tell you exactly how many times I’ve self-harmed or wanted to self-harm; but I know the feelings which overwhelm me when I want to.

What did I do to deal with it?

When I feel them coming I do anything I can to push them aside. Listen to music, sing, dance, phone people, go for a walk or a ride. I’ll try anything to make the feelings go away.

How did I feel then?

It varies, sometimes what I do will distract me enough to get through that moment, others, no matter what I do I always feel the urge to self-injue.

What else can I do that won’t hurt me?

There are lots of things I can do which won’t hurt me. I’ve written a few blog posts in the past of things and distractions that I have tried. I quite often surf the net, stumble some pages or play online games. Take a shower, read a book, go for a walk (depending on the agoraphobia), phone friends, smoke, cry…the list is endless really, but sometimes nothing I do is ever enough. Sometimes no matter what I try it never takes those ghosts away.

How do I feel right now?

I’ve been having a rough day; so writing a post on self-injury is probably not the smartest idea I’ve ever had! It’s kinda triggering a little but I’m listening to music at the same time and stopping if I need to. The urge is quite high at this particular moment.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Depending on what I’m doing it will hurt - which is good - and then I will be overwhelmed with a tremendous feeling of bliss. The best way I can describe how I feel when I self-injure is “orgasmic”; it is the closest feeling to an orgasm I know, and is sometimes stronger and more potently enjoyable than the real thing.

How will I feel after hurting myself?

Guilty, sad, angry, frustrated but calmer and quieter than I had before. The simple act of self-harming will be enough to chase the ghosts away enough for me to focus, clear my head, and regroup before their next assault.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Again, depending on how I self injure, I may be in a great deal of pain - but as the “relief” of the initial infliction will have gone I will just be feeling it as pain, rather than orgasmic. I’ll no doubt get angrier with myself for relapsing again, and then start mulling things over, which will only make everything worse - and no doubt bring back the voice - and then the desire to self harm. It’s a vicious circle which is frequently hard to beat.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

My stressor right now is my head; my memories, my pain of something I lost. Some things trigger these memories, and I avoid them with a passion, other times my mind just brings it all up and I have no way to avoid it as it’s just THERE - and there’s nothing I can do about it. if I could avoid them I would, or if I knew how to deal with them (like I used to do before I lost everything), I would.

I could talk to people, try and make them understand what it is, what’s going on, why I do these things. Thing is, I’ve no-one to talk to besides the voices and the hallucination, and this reminder of the isolation only serves to fuel the initial stressors in the first place.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I shouldn’t need to, but sometimes I have to as it is the only thing I can do to make the pain go away. I wish it wasn’t like this, but sometimes I must hurt myself; I just don’t have a choice. It’s either that or death.

Okay, so let’s try and start this (awesome?) New Year afresh shall we, optimistic new horizons and all that.

I’m not being nosy I just thought it’d be fun (fun for me as I get to know who my readers are, and fun for you as you get to think about yourselves a bit) to do a wee survey.

So “copy and paste” it into the comments field, fill it out, and let us all know a bit more about yourselves :-) And hey, if there’s something you’re not comfortable in sharing, just skip it and worry not.

The Survey:

Your…
Name: 
Nickname:
Current Location:
Eyes:
Hair:
Zodiac:
Lefty or Righty:
Description of yourself in one word: 

Mental Health…
Do you suffer from any mental health problem:

Favourites…
Song:
Singer:
Group:
Movie:
TV Show:
Actor:
Actress:
Food:
Alcoholic Beverage:
Non-Alcoholic Beverage:

Do you…
Have siblings:
Sing in the Shower:
Randomly burst into song whether in the shower or not:
Have any tattoos:
Have any piercings:
Have any special skills/talents:

Completely Random and Silly…
Massager or Massagee:
Downer or Downee:
Spanker or Spankee:
Tickler or Ticklee:

This blog…
What topic would you like me to write about on this blog:
If you could ask me anything, what would you ask?:

Looking forward to seeing everyone’s responses :-)