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The Mental Illness Bookshelf: Part 1 - Fiction • 01.28.08

Okay, so you’re interested in mental illness and you have a love of books, so why not combine these two interests and read about mental illness. In this first part of a trilogy I take a look at some excellent books which have dealt with mental health.

Firstly, the world of fiction. Now, I could of course throw in some of the obvious one’s here (ya know, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest or Girl Interrupted) but I thought it would be a little more interesting to look at some books you may not have heard of.

So, as I’m always full on contradiction (what human isn’t?) I’ll start with perhaps the most famous…

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1. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

It has been rather a long time since I read this book, it was somewhere in the hiatus between leaving school and beginning work at the Video Store when I read this book. It’s highly possible it was purchased in a wonderful yet now no longer existing book-store in Guildford, but that’s debatable. It deals with depression primarily but also covers hospitalisation, electro-shock therapy, breakdown and suicide attempts.

As I say due to the length of time since I read this book it isn’t very fresh in my mind, I may have to re-read it. It was one of the first novels which I read which dealt with depression, and really, it’s considered to be a classic for a reason.

2. A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby

A contemporary novel dealing with suicide. I read this a couple of years ago after picking it up on a cheap second hand book stall in Melbourne, it languished on my shelf for several months before I finally got around to checking it out. It’s plot concerns four strangers who meet up on the top of a tower block all planning to kill themselves and given the seriousness of the subject you’d be surprised at how funny this book is. Sure, you’ll feel a little guilty from time to time laughing along at this darkest of dark topics - but Hornby writes with such a deft skill and wit that you can’t help being carried along with it.It contains the perfect mix of melancholy, humour and depression and is a great book to get stuck into - even if it isn’t the greatest book ever written.

3. Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho

A friend gave me this to read after I told them I was feeling depressed and suicidal a couple of years ago. It was quite hard to get through at the time, quite often when I am in my depressed moods I find it very difficult to read even a couple of pages let alone a whole book, so this episode didn’t help. I did however persevere and did rather enjoy this book.Not all of it, parts had me quite infuriated and angry, other bits had me wondering what the author was thinking. There were however some utterly beautiful sequences, sections and writing to wonder and behold at. I think Paulo Coelho is a bit of an acquired taste, and even though I haven’t read all of his work, this book did give me a taste to check out some of his other offerings.

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So after those three books above I thought I would look at a few books which I haven’t actually read. As I mentioned above when I get into a depressed episode I find it hard to read, which frustrates me so, as I adore reading. Thus, as a means to get me reading again, I’m going to try one of the following (whichever I find first) and give it a go…and when I’ve finished I’ll let you know.

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4. I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg

“I Never Promised You a Rose Garden is a semi-autobiographical account of Joanne Greenberg’s experience with mental illness. This book was originally published in 1964 under the pseudonym Hannah Green in order to protect her family from the stigma that often accompanies a psychiatric diagnosis. When Greenberg’s family learned more about her history with mental illness, she allowed the book to be reprinted using her real name. In addition to the book making people aware of the stigma that comes with mental illness Greenberg wrote the book to give a realistic portrayal of the experience of mental illness. Deborah Blau is an adolescent who has been sent to a mental hospital, by her parents to be treated for schizophrenia after attempting to commit suicide. The book follows Deborah through the course of her stay at the hospital, flashing back to Deborah’s childhood while taking the reader to the world of Yr. Yr is a world of Deborah’s own creation that previously provided her with comfort and sanctuary, but at the time of her hospitalization it had begun turning into a frightening and condemning place for Deborah. Throughout the course of the story Deborah bounces between the “human world” and Yr unable to incorporate or choose between the two worlds.”
Read the rest of this review at Biblioreview

5. Red Tears by Joanna Kenrick

“Red Tears is a new novel for teenagers. On the surface it’s about a teenage girl who turns to self-harm when she finds things are getting on top of her. She is in her GCSE year at school (age 15 for non-UKers) and is being treated badly by her so-called ‘friends’. Overwhelmed by pressures from all sides (particularly from her mother, who wants her to ‘do the best you can’ all the time) she resorts to self-harm. But once you start, it’s not that easy to stop…”
You can find out more about this book at the authors website

6. The Province of Hope by Mark Lee Kirchmeier

“Johnny Verliebt is a young man with many lives. One is that of a college student from an affluent suburban family; the other is one of sleepless nights and racing thoughts that can only be quieted by alcohol and drugs. Soon after Johnny falls in love with a young medical student named Robert, he suffers a psychotic breakdown and begins life with bipolar affective disorder.”
Read more about this book on Amazon

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So there we have it, six fictional books out of thousands dipping into mental illness for their inspiration and material. If any of you have any personal favourites of novels dealing with mental illness be sure to drop a comment so others can check them out, and stay tuned for a look at six great ‘personal account’ books…one of which being my all time favourite book dealing with mental illness!

Posted in Bipolar, Books, Breakdown, Depression, Fiction, Learning, Mental Health, Self Harm, Stigma, Suicide, Writing, panicwith 5 Comments →

My 64 months in Australia - A Retrospective • 01.05.08

It’s been 64 months that I’ve been in Australia.It’s been 64 months of ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, misery, laughter and despair.

It’s been 64 months…wow…still can’t believe it’s nearly over.

It hasn’t really sunk in yet, even though it should’ve done. All the things I didn’t get to do are flying through my mind and joining up with all those things that I did do.

It’s been a long five years, it’s been an incredible five years, it’s been an emotional five years, and by fuck I’m gonna miss it here!

This is a month by month, memorable moment by memorable moment, account of my time in Australia.

This has been my 64 months in Australia…

A quick note on the links:
The links which are bolded will take you to a photograph taken by me.
The links which are italicized will take you to one of my blog posts on the subject.

Oct-02	My arrival in this sun burnt land of beaches, cricket and mad (wo)men!
Nov-02	My first live concert (‘My Friend the Chocolate Cake’ & ‘Archie Roach’) culminates a month spent adjusting and re-acclimatsing to this new country. I find the weather brutal, and it takes me about a week to realize I shouldn’t go to the beach in a leather jacket and woolen jumper in 30+ temperatures…as this is no longer the UK!
Dec-02	My first Christmas in the summer and I’m feeling bloody homesick, quitting smoking is affecting my self-harm urges and I occasionally consider it but never actually do anything. I am however loving Melbourne!
Jan-03	My partner and I move into her flat and start setting up our life together in Australia. I continue adjusting to the heat and rebuilding my life here.
Feb-03	My new job as a charity collector and trip down the Great Ocean Road follows my first live viewing of Colin Hay (yay!)
Mar-03	My new job as receptionist at Chapman Gardens YHA gets me back into the hostel world and I love it; I describe the hostel as the little hostel that could due to it’s potential. My application for temporary residency is in full swing and taking up a lot of time.
Apr-03	My application for residency is sent after weeks of work and I begin working on several photography projects in my spare time.
May-03	My medical tests for temporary residence are marred by the slightly embarrassing moment of being unable to provide a urine sample under such pressure and result in downing a 2litre bottle of water which makes it easy to provide the test but results in me dashing from public loo to public loo for the next couple of hours.
Jun-03	My job at Chapman Gardens YHA ends due to the three month stipulation of my working visa and I am thrown once again into the job market.
Jul-03	My stress at being unemployed and waiting to see if I’m accepted as a resident is taking it’s toll and I begin to notice depression signals but fight hard to keep it under control.
Aug-03	My acceptance as a temporary resident of Australia is a weight off my mind and bloody exciting!
Sep-03	My return to work at Chapman Gardens YHA gets me an income again.
Oct-03	My first viewing of those cute and cuddly penguins on Phillip Island coincides with a co-manager job becoming available at the hostel. I am successful in my application, and this coincides with my anniversary in being in Australia: my partner tells me she’s never seen me happier.
Nov-03	My new job as co-manager of Chapman Gardens YHA begins and I start to settle into the new position. My time becomes taken over with the hostel.
Dec-03	My time this year was primarily spent working and I did a lot of work on my social anxiety. Although there were specific events which occurred that I remember this year by the events are not common knowledge, and also include another person, so I am not wishing to divulge them in a public forum. If they were merely about me I would do so. Things which did happen for the first time in 2004 however included: seeing ‘Shooglenifty’ for the first time, meeting someone I desperately wanted to work behind reception for the first time, my continuing love of local Australian music, and falling deeper in love with Melbourne and this country.
Jan-04
Feb-04
Mar-04
Apr-04
May-04
Jun-04
Jul-04
Aug-04
Sep-04
Oct-04	My anticipation over my parent’s arrival starts to overwhelm me.
Nov-04	My parents arrive for their first visit to Australia and I’m told later I have never looked so happy. I visit the Grampians for the first time and then on the 29^th begin a three month period of work with only one day off until February 2005!
Dec-04	My workload is intense, stressful and ridiculous and it leads to my first self-harm in Australia (and first self harm in 5 years; the box of matches) This goes unrecognized by everyone in my life (both at home and at work) as the pressures of work overwhelm me.
Jan-05	My depression returns and I find self harm beginning to dominate my thoughts again as work starts to get ridiculous. My boss however is a gem and tries to help in whatever way he can.
Feb-05	My first day off in three months is spent at a doctor’s - a much needed visit.
Mar-05	My first trip to the Port Fairy Folk Festival is a highlight of Australia and I get to see ‘Capercaillie’ play live, a fantastic experience, and I have a much needed holiday following my three months of work.
Apr-05	My co-manager leaves and I am promoted to Manager of Chapman Gardens YHA. I also begin work on my photography website which goes live and I’m proud of it. The decision is made to rename the hostel and I put forward Melbourne Oasis YHA, which is later chosen as the new name.
May-05	My workload as Manager is higher than before but no-where near as bad as during the summer. The new team I hire is (IMHO) the best hostel team in Melbourne and I still believe three of them to be the best hostel receptionists I’ve ever met in my long and illustrious career (including the person I had met in 2004 who I finally got behind reception) My application for permanent residency begins.
Jun-05	My time is dominated with a new computer system and the beginning of the renaming process at work.
Jul-05	My acceptance as a permanent resident of Australia thrills me and I feel the happiest I’ve felt in ages.
Aug-05	My time continues to be dominated by work, the renaming process and the computer system.
Sep-05	My time, again, continues to be dominated by work and I start to think about self harm again…and think it’s time for a holiday.
Oct-05	My first trip to Wilson’s Prom and my first viewing of a wombat in the wild is an awesome experience marred by the onset of a nasty flu virus, and I go to Port Fairy to recover from this. My work at renaming the hostel Melbourne Oasis YHA ends when the name officially changes.
Nov-05	My summer kicks off in okay fashion but work is still stressful and starts getting to me about how much effort I do and how little money, respect and recognition I get from my employers. My stress levels are once again on the rise and I continue to fight social anxiety hard; inklings of self harm are on the horizon.
Dec-05	My self harm urges peak but I continue to pretend all is well and good in the world for the staff and guests as I try to make it an excellent summer for the people at the hostel. I am feeling very homesick after so long away and am becoming increasingly angry at my social anxiety and how it’s affecting my life.
Jan-06	My mind starts to consider resignation as stress levels reach new highs at work. My relationship is being severely affected by this, and I am thinking of self harm again and wanting to beat the crap out of social anxiety. I am however making headway with finally making friends with people in Australia.
Feb-06	My life implodes as everything at work, home and play reaches crisis point. On one day at work alone I nearly; self harm in front of staff, hit a guest and come within a heart beat of smashing every glass in the kitchen! Suffice to say I don’t and am unable to tell my colleague about what I’m feeling despite her concern; a few days later I take sick leave and head to Port Fairy so I can try and get everything under control.
Mar-06	My decision to end my job is emotional and affected by depression and anxiety but eventually taken. I leave, and as per plan, attempt suicide following the folk festival in Port Fairy. I don’t go through with it and return to Melbourne. I see Colin Hay again and get my photo taken with him, in which I unfortunately look like a psychopath, but on the plus side, a deliriously happy psychopath.
Apr-06	My counselor and I continue to work on my issues and I move out of my flat for a few weeks. I self harm for the second time in Australia and a friend nearly discovers this by accident on a night out karaokeing.
May-06	My partner and I continue attempting to rebuild our relationship whilst I continue to control and fight the return of my depression and self harm urges.
Jun-06	My depression continues to worsen and the counseling sessions aren’t helping too much. My partner and I begin joint sessions and I find self harm urges difficult to control.
Jul-06	My social anxiety is being affected drastically by my depression and begins to seriously affect friendships, employment and my relationship.
Aug-06	My relationship ends. Everything goes black.
Sep-06	My new home is pretty shocking but it’s a place to live and I do my best to make it look homely. I self harm for the first time since April, and repeat frequently throughout the month. Despite a terribly low mood continue my attempts to overcome depression and social anxiety and start making some headway. My second best day of the year takes place.
Oct-06	My housewarming party is held (and I dress as a sexy pirate), my best day of the year takes place, my work overcoming depression is starting to payoff but I continue to self harm out of addiction until I get it under control by the end of the month, my social anxiety is on the wane and I start seeing my new girlfriend.
Nov-06	My girlfriend is diagnosed with glandular fever, I spend the month working part time and being a pseudo-nurse to her. I get the idea for my novel and begin writing it. My depression is now all but overcome.
Dec-06	My parent’s second visit to Australia is awesome, exciting and a grand time. New job, acceptance into college and getting my depression under control continue to excite and the stirrings of glandular fever don’t get in the way too much - but social anxiety continues to annoy.
Jan-07	My happiness of overcoming depression is muted because of the full onset of glandular fever which completely knocks me on my ass making it almost impossible to do anything - my new job ends - but I do take some of the best photos of my life.
Feb-07	My glandular fever rolls on in crippling fashion and it’s depression symptoms kick in a mite, but I fight them. My college course starts, am closer to overcoming social anxiety, my first novel is completed which makes me feel awesome and I begin work on another…then…CLL diagnosis, dumped by my girlfriend by text message a week later (unbeknownst to the CLL), kicked out of college, lose study benefits. Glandular fever starts getting worse because of the emotional strain and the depressive symptoms consume me. I self harm for the first time since October.
Mar-07	My nervous breakdown! Depression inevitably returns, self harm inevitably returns, my social anxiety work amounts to nothing, my social network begins to collapse and I resort to selling everything to survive. I start taking medication and the side effects are brutal; my body and mind are so weak I can’t think straight in any way.
Apr-07	My ex continues her emotional abuse, my hallucination returns, my self harm becomes the worst it’s been since my late teens, trips to hospital and GPs become regular and I continue to sell all my possessions.
May-07	My second suicide attempt in Australia sees me unconscious but survive, my ex continues her emotional abuse and tells me I should kill myself (unbeknownst to the suicide attempt), my social network is now one person and I’ve now lost pretty much everything. I do however finish the first draft of my second novel.
Jun-07	My decision to leave Melbourne is swift, goodbyes swifter, I end up in Adelaide and have 75% of my belongings and clothes stolen, I start researching both emotional abuse and leukemia and attempt to come to terms with all that’s happening.
Jul-07	My ex continues her abuse by email, that same week; a family member is in hospital following an overdose, I am having tests for my leukemia as well as a painful polynoidal sinus and have to go to hospital several times, my self harm worsens to it’s worst point of the year thus far and I experience my first “manic” phase of the year which scares the living daylights out of me. I return to Melbourne as the manic phase weakens and hope I don’t bump into my ex.
Aug-07	My attempts to continue rebuilding my life continue to fall apart, my application for Australian citizenship is sent, and I have to return to hospital for an operation for my polynoidal sinus and am virtually couch bound for two weeks. I find the manic phase ending and enter a nasty depressive phase and begin to seriously consider bipolar with my psychologist and GP.
Sep-07	My depressive phase gets in the way of job hunting and I find myself thinking about self harm again, my interviews for citizenship take place and I’m not successful, my depressive phase worsens and I realize my ‘deadline’ is close.
Oct-07	My deadline is reached and I decide to kill myself; which I attempt but fail and go to hospital, where I am sent home after 30 minutes. I spend a week in shock and disarray and begin work on a blog, titled All that I am, all that I ever was which goes live on the 21^st.
Nov-07	My bipolar diagnosis is confirmed and I realize my future will never be what I dreamed of it being despite what I do to control the illness, my episode becomes a mixed state and the transitions from mania/depression become impossible for me to control as well as being incredibly scary. I consider suicide again, have returned to self harm on a regular basis, and end up in hospital because of it. My birthday comes and goes as it does for most homeless people.
Dec-07	My mixed episode worsens and my self harm is now hard to control, I have to leave Australia but a vicious anxiety/panic attack makes it impossible to get on the plane and I am forced to reschedule and go onto the waiting list. My Christmas is a nasty period of depression, fear, panic, anxiety and self-harm and this remains until the New Year. The decision however is made to move my blog to Wordpress.
Jan-08	My final month in Australia. So far, not much to report aside from melancholy, depression, self harm, anxiety and a return to suicidal feelings. My mixed state continues it’s ridiculously long running time!

…rather a hectic 64 months really! :-p

Posted in Abuse, Bipolar, Breakdown, Depression, Emotional, Failure, Friendship, Isolation, Learning, Loneliness, Love, Mental Health, Passion, Personal, Photography, Psychological, Reflections, Regret, Self Confidence, Self Harm, Social Anxiety, Stigma, Suicide, Therapy, Voices, Writing, anxiety, panicwith 3 Comments →

Unsent Letter #1 • 01.02.08

One of the problems with social anxiety is that it is all too easy to follow what your head is telling you, rather than what your soul is singing out for you to say. Few people realise how difficult suffering from social anxiety makes forging friendships and relationships. Something as simple as a conversation or question to a “normal” person takes on a Herculean perspective when the shadowy spectre of a “panic attack” looms on the horizon.

an unsent letter by ~narcoleptic

There are many moments in my life, and I’m sure in the lives of many, where we have been unable to say what we really want for fear of rejection, judgement or merely ‘getting it wrong’.

I used to write a lot of these thoughts in my journal, but I have been unable to write a journal for many many months now since something was said I’ve been unable to forget.

Sometimes these regrets from our lives need to be expelled from our minds, or at least an attempt should be made to do this. One way to assist this expulsion of stored regret is to write an unsent letter; a letter you would love to send but know never could. It helps to form your mistake into words rather than have it dwell and burn inside you for all time.

This is one of my unsent letters:

“I don’t know where to start.
I’ve thought about writing to you so much.
Whenever I get a pen near paper or fingers near a keyboard I freeze up, the words vanish, and I sit staring into space. Scared, full of sorrow and regret. How do I say what I need to say? If you were sitting in front of me now, watching me with those ever thoughtful eyes, you’d just say “…spit it out Addy!” and I’d take a gulp of beer and do just that. That’s what I always needed, a kick up the arse, and you always knew how to give me one
*laughs*
*sips on beer*
WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?
I could see them you silly girl dancing in your eyes, they were dancing there with mine! Why did you lie to me? *How* could you lie to me? Didn’t you trust me? Didn’t you believe in me? Did you think I would judge you?
[Arrrghh! Silly stupid questions all of them. I've been where you were. I've said those lies. I've lied far more to you than you ever did me.]
But couldn’t you tell I…? Grrr. Wrong question.
Always with the wrong questions. It shouldn’t be:
WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME? No no no.
It should be:
WHY DID I *LET* YOU?
Of course you were going to lie to me! I’ve done the same thing over and over again, always lying, bending the truth. Never the truth, never what actually happened.
WHY DID I *LET* YOU?
Why did I let you think I didn’t care? How could I have done that? You needed me, you were reaching out to me, practically begging me to say something but I just sat back and said nothing. I let you lie to me over and over again and when you finally told me I just couldn’t believe I had let you go through this by yourself. I think I was scared of you finding out about my past, about the things I had done. The things I had lied about.
But that’s not an excuse.
There is no excuse.
You needed me and I wasn’t there and I am so very sorry.
I wish I had said something.
I wish I could turn back time and take hold of your hand and just look into your eyes and say “…please, don’t lie to me…you can talk to me, I’m here for you no matter what,”
It may not have changed a thing, but it would have been said.
And then you may have understood.
If I had only said those words, which danced and skipped on the end of my tongue, you might have realised how much I care about you.
I wasn’t there for you.
Not like I wanted to be.
And now you are gone, lost to the winds of time.
I can never find the right sentence to let you know how much I miss you.
Can never get it right.