Overcoming Mental Illness

The last four weeks have been somewhat action packed for me:

• Saying goodbye to my family once again.
• Saying goodbye to the UK once again.
• Returning to Melbourne; the place where everything in my life collapsed to the point that it cost me everything, including very nearly my life - on a few occasions.
• Working myself to exhaustion with no income, little funds and few meals to rebuild my life from scratch.
• Self harm reared it’s head.
• As did side effects from the medication, which was helping me focus, but still, who likes side effects?
• Few moments of pleasure interspersed between the constant work and interviews.
• Living in hostels, surrounded by people and little personal space, challenged my social anxiety and on many occasions panic ensued.
• A mixed episode saw several manic and severe depression phases which were tough to work through, affecting both physical and mental health somewhat.
• An overdose and night spent at the hospital.
• And all the other stuff which has appeared on the blog in various guises.

And let’s not even list everything I’ve been through over the last eighteen months - we’d be here til Christmas 2056!!

To say I am exhausted is an understatement. I’ve barely slept, my mind has raced with flashbacks and hallucinations. To say I am surprised I’m still standing is an understatement!

But then I think about something, something wonderful and something…interesting.

You won’t hear me say it often, perhaps it’s because I haven’t slept much…

…but here we go…

…I think about just how amazingly wonderfully intensely AWESOME I am!

Seriously, I don’t care if people think I’m useless and pathetic. I don’t care if they think I’m grotesque or not worthy of anything. I just don’t care at the moment. Over the last eighteen months I’ve had so much shit thrown at me, I’ve been to hell and back (many times) and have resided in places I hope none of you ever visit in your lifetime. I have done things I’ve never spoken of and witnessed things which I’ve never spoken of. I have dragged my reasonably cute butt out of the chasm on many many occasions and stood fast and fought hard against all the shit I’ve had thrown at me.

A useless, pathetic, unpassionate man would have curled up and died.

Me?

I kept fighting…kept working…kept battling…kept trying…kept doing everything I could.

Because I’m more passionate, more committed, more caring than most I’ve met.

I have a strength few people ever see, because I usually don’t let them. I will however let you in on a secret.

If you’re looking for strength - if you need some from yourself - all you have to do is find one thing just one thing; a place, person, object or emotion to focus on.
Focus on it with every ounce of your heart and soul and I guarantee the strength will come.

My something, it’s easy, it’s just: 
FIVE (SIMPLE) WORDS 
That’s what gives me strength, it’s what has given me strength for the last eighteen months and what will give me strength through the times ahead.

So for once, just this once, give me this moment.

Give me my modest bastard moment!

‘Cause I’m a bloody strong, amazing and awesome man who occasionally, very occasionally, is an inspiration and should be looked up to.

[PS...don't ask what the five (simple) words are. I can't tell you! I'm not being mysterious. I just can't tell you. There are only about three people I could tell in the RL who would 'get them' anyway, but seriously, I can't mention them here. Simply because they're something I just cannot talk about on the blog and if you knew the words you would understand why that was.]