Overcoming Mental Illness

The Genesis of All that I am, all that I ever was 

I was walking through Carlton Gardens (in Melbourne) in mid October 2007 when the idea behind All that I am, all that I ever was first came into being. I have a fairly emotional history with these gardens, and this month had been a fairly emotional one for me, as a few days before this walk I had attempted suicide.

As I strolled through the gardens on this cool spring day I decided I wanted to set up a blog detailing my history of mental illness. It had, up to this point, been somewhat of a roller coaster ride of delirious highs and suicidal lows. Yet, through the the 14 years I had been fighting, few people knew of this part of me.

Admitting to having a mental illness is a difficult thing to do. The mere term “mental illness” conjures up so many negative personifications; the violent lunatic, the weird loonie, the eccentric old duffer…and so on, and so on. There is a stigma attached to mental illness that runs so deep through the minds of society and so prevalent amongst the media that few people (unless you have had some experience of dealing with it) understand what mental illness is. Most people don’t even want to admit to there being such a thing as mental illness.

As I sat staring across the lake, watching the ducks play in the inviting water, I knew I wanted to set the record straight. I wanted to try and explain to people exactly what my life has been like - the highs, the lows, the in-betweens. I wanted to write down everything that my life was, chronicling all that I am and all that I ever was.

The blog debuted on Blogspot on 21 October 2007, and I plugged away explaining all that I could in the way that I wanted to explore it. This was my life, this wasn’t just a blog about mental illness, this was me, and the blog needed to reflect this. In style, content and appearance. As time drew on I knew what I was doing was worth it, but I wasn’t reaching any major audience, and thus decided in December 2007 to move my little world to Wordpress.

The question was to whether to move the whole blog over, and I eventually decided to not follow this option. The Blogspot period was a part of my life, and it needs to remain, thus my decision to restart afresh on Wordpress.

My decision to chronicle my life in this way was never an easy one, it opened myself to all sorts of judgemental attitudes and misplaced stigma. It is however a decision I have never regretted: the world need to made aware of the damage mental illness can do, and how lack of empathy and understanding from the prejudicial minds of society causes more problems than they realise.<

All that I am, all that I ever was: The Best of the Blogspot Oeuvre…

If you would like to visit the original version of this blog, you can do so here:

All that I am, all that I ever was: My Journey with Depression
The Original Site

Several of the articles I wrote for this blog will appear in a slightly revised form on these pages, however, if you would like to read up on my “history” the following is what I consider to be the “best of” the Blogspot oeuvre writings, which you can use to catch up on the life and times of Addy. [I have transferred these articles across to Wordpress, so the links below will not redirect you to my old blog.]

1) My War against Mental Illness
This was written before I started the blog as an attempt to begin coming to terms with what has been happening to me over the last 14 years of my life, and this year inparticularly. It was because of this post I decided to write the blog, as from this I realised there was so much to go into I couldn’t do it with just one article.
2) Does Depression Impact on Friendship?
My first stab at my favourite topic on this blog - friendship - and how depression has a drastic effect on this ever important part of your life. Was never 100% happy with it, am still not, I still don’t quite know how to write of the pressure depression puts on friendship.
3) Desideratum
This was never meant to be what it was - it was meant to be a short post on dreams, but became the first real mention of what happened with my breakdown, a subject I never quite knew how to tackle because of the implications it may bring to other people.
4) Let’s Talk About Suicide
My first trilogy of posts and my first real attempt at tackling an important issue close to my heart. All three parts were incredibly hard for me to write, all because of the heavy emotions attached to them. The first time I cried whilst writing this blog was during Part III, a subject I had never spoken about before because of the intense pain I held over it. One of the hardest posts for me to write and in my top 5 of the blog.
5) What do I mean by Stigma?
My attempt at doing the standard “stigma” post, and am still very happy with it.
6) Does Depression Impact on Friendship (Reprise)
My second attempt at the effects depression as on friendship, still not happy with it.
7) Social Anxiety Disorder
My attempt at trying to write about one of the most misunderstood conditions on the planet. Social anxiety disorder is a crippling condition that affects every avenue of your life, and you have to fight constantly to get anywhere in forging real relationships with people.Very few people understand social anxiety disorder, and a lot more needs to be done to raise awareness of it. It is not just shyness! SAD was the catalyst behind my depression and self harm, it is what began it all! It was instrumental in my breakdown. It has been a constant weight through my entire life, and to have come so close to overcoming it…this still kills me, for as I say in the article, I’m now in a worse position than when I was when everything first started.
8) (Some) True Confessions of a Self Harmer
Another difficult post for me. For any self-harmer, opening up about the injuries you have inflicted on yourself is a very difficult thing to do. Few people understand self-harm even in the mental health/medical community; this was me either being very brave or very stupid (or indeed, both, which is most likely the case.)
9) Coming to Terms with Bipolar
These posts changed everything. With my diagnosis I realised once and for all that the life I had always dreamed of would never be. These posts were me struggling to come to terms with and accept what was happening, and all the things that will now never be. They kicked off a mixed/depressive episode which affected my ability to write this blog and is an episode I am still struggling with immensely.
10) Bipolar and Depression: Identifying Triggers
See, this is how sad my life became. On my birthday rather than having fun and celebrating with my friends, I was drinking whisky and writing posts on identifying triggers of depressive and manic episodes. Yay me! An important post, but would rather have been doing something else on my birthday.
11) Emotional Abuse
Another incredibly difficult post to write. I have never fully wanted to accept that I was the victim in an emotionally abusive relationship, simply because of the love I have for the person involved, but no matter how much research I do, all the signs and signals were there. The abuse I suffered changed me in ways I never wanted to see change and I’ll bare the scars of them for the rest of my life. The effect of the abuse devastated me, and as I state in the posts, is something I have so much trouble writing about simply because of the love I still carry for the person involved. I cried buckets writing these posts! So many painful/happy memories.
12) Let’s Talk about my Nervous Breakdown
In which I, finally, attempted to explain exactly what caused, what happened and how my nervous breakdown felt. I also threw in some advice on overcoming breakdowns, advice I could have done with at the time.
13) Regrets: Can they ever be Forgiven?
My last ‘great’ (in one sense of the word) post. Another one hard for me to write, especially with some of the emotions which were dug up from two of the regrets I talked about. Another posts replete with tears.

The Future of All that I am, all that I ever was

Who knows what the future may hold for me or this blog? Who really knows what the future holds for any of us…this time last year I had my life pretty much sorted…this time next year I may be dead…none of us know…we’ll just have to wait and see.