Overcoming Mental Illness

If I were an apple this is how I’d feel… 

…or in other words a pictoral reflection of my currently changing moods.

From LEFT to RIGHT
A. Fresh, new, juicy, delicious, magnificently edible. It’s insides perfect and wonderful in every way.
B. Loosing it’s freshness somewhat but still edible. It’s insides starting to degenerate.
C. Not something you’d want to eat, nor look at for very long. It’s insides are becoming mush.
D. You’d throw this away, wouldn’t you? It’s insides are beyond mushy, they’re just goo.
E. It’s dead, it is a deceased apple, it’s life lost and pointless. The goo is seeping onto the floor.
F. Definitely (and in every conceivable way) a deceased apple.

You see last night, brimming with alcohol induced mania I was definitely A!

Tonight I’m somewhere between E and F.

And with that cheery thought I shall bid you a goodnight because I’m going to bed.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll manage to claw my way to C or D.

Who the hell knows anymore?

So there I am on a Friday afternoon in Melbourne.

Completely knackered.

It’s been a long day already and it’s only about 2pm!

I’ve been bothered by a nasty cold all week so my physical health is drained, and what with the myriad of other physical problems I deal with each day, colds are not at all just minor niggles for me. It hurts - and I mean hurts! An after effect of the fact I struggled to overcome glandular fever but that’s a whole other story!

I’m also going through this vicious mixed episode and the ridiculous roller coaster of manic-ups and treacherous lows every second, minute and hour of the day. Will I ever be able to just be on an even keel? But again, that’s a whole other story!

Thus my mood isn’t great when I haul my reasonably cute butt out of bed in the morning and go through the whole process of getting up and trying to battle on with the day ahead. Not easy at the moment. It would be easier should something be there to look forward to, but an early morning escapade to the outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne is not something to really look forward to when you’re battling mixed episodes, physical pain and physical illnesses. Anyhows, I have to do it all in 2 hours, due to momentarily forgetting that if you scan your 2hr metcard through the machines just after the hour it takes the 2 hours to be from the next hour (so if you swipe it at 10:01am it takes the two hours from 11am, thus you get three hours for the price of two - bargain! - whereas if you swipe it at 9:56am it takes it from 10am, which is what I did yesterday. Dope!)

I get out there, do my business of checking out places to live and have forced conversations to try and make myself out to be someone who at least has some reasonable grasp on his sanity. Not easy right now. And then have to rush back to the chaotic wonder of the city before the metcard runs out and I get slapped with either buying a new ticket or forced to pay a fine upwards of $150 because I didn’t think to wait five minutes!

By the time I drag my reasonably cute butt back to the hostel I’m completely knackered, legs wobbling from all the exertion and pain firing away from all corners of my body. It’s been like that for a fortnight really, so much to do, so little fun. So I end up leaning against the wall of the shower having a bit of a knackered cry before deciding to go down the self-harm route to at least give me the release I need to get through the rest of the day.

I don’t like doing it. Sometimes though when you’re working so hard and making so much effort and those mood swings keep oscillating I just end up doing it. Nothing too serious, a few slices here, a few cuts there. I have antiseptic wipes, plasters and bandages on hand to clean and wrap so it’s not as if I don’t know what I’m doing.

So when I get back to the room I am in a bit more pain than I had been before, but this is manageable pain, this was the pain I needed to help calm me down and refocus before my afternoon onslaught in the rebuilding of Addy’s life. I just hadn’t countered on an impromptu 45 minute phone interview which came with no warning.

Now remember all those old-adages about when you’re nervous imagine people naked. Well I was nervous, and keeping a close eye on the cuts and blood, but I wasn’t imagining the person at the end of the phone naked - I was naked. As I was through the whole interview, whilst trying not to let the blood drip too much onto the bed and whilst attempting to apply a bandage unsuccessfully with one hand. Not easy. In fact proved impossible. So I gave up at the 20minute mark and I’d deal with the pain and blood stain later, as long as I came off on the interview as reasonably sane.

Interview done I throw myself back down and check the cut, the blood has pretty much stopped but it hurts and it needs a wee bit of attention. So I grab the antiseptic wipes and being somewhat delirious from fatigue and emotional/mental exhaustion go to sort it out. BRING BRING. BRING BRING. Another phone call. Which I have to answer ’cause it’s the job agency I’m with so again have to sound all professional and with it, which I attempt, and sure the phone call becomes the most random I think I’ve ever been on the phone. All confused blabbering and incoherent speech. I can’t even really recall what I’d been saying. Annoyed with that I apply the treatment to my cuts, grab my jacket and swing out the room. (Or rather, when I say ’swing’ I mean hobble, as the majority of the cuts were on my leg so walking was a little difficult.)

I

Need

Alcohol

!

Which really isn’t a good idea given the mixed episode, cold, physical health issues, recent self harm, stressed mood and cavalcade of frustration: but after three whiskys and three Coopers I’m rather bouncy. Who wouldn’t be. After a fourth Coopers I’m positively, well, hyper, and well, manic. Hypermanic in fact.

I end up in my usual internet place randomly inviting anyone I fancy to be my Facebook and Myspace friends, typing obscure wall messages which I can’t remember and then cracking onto a few people in various different forms, forums and groups. I really don’t remember much after that aside from prancing around the city occasionally breaking into song and tap dance routines perfected in the Adelaide casino last year whilst cracking onto people in the flesh this time and getting the odd slap (good and bad) in return.

You see that’s why alcohol, medication, self harm, bipolar, physical & mental health problems do not a good combination make.

Alcohol is a depressant, but it’s one of those lovely and weird depressants which makes you high first - and with the on-sweep of emotion, fatigue, pain and ever-changing-moods I’d been experiencing all day - it was only ever gonna do two things. Make me too sick to move or induce a manic period. Fortunately the manic period has faded a little and as I type this am feeling what can only be described as a bitch of a hangover and ever so somewhat fading back into my shell of depressed loneliness.

At least though I know how to induce small periods of mania if I want to, maybe I should experiment and see if I can make them last longer, people seem to like me when I’m manic. I don’t like myself much, but other people take to me far more than when I’m just being “me”. Is there a lesson there I should learn? Maybe if I didn’t have a hangover I’d be able to see it a bit more clearly.

On the upside I have ended up with a few more Facebook friends, I have no idea who they are or anything about them but they’re there, and I’ve got a few more MySpace friends as well which is kinda cool. No fall out yet from the other stuff I did; haven’t quite had the nerve to check my messages yet.

Maybe later.

Maybe I’ll need some more Coopers afterwards :)

As was mentioned earlier in the week my latest interview is now up and available to be read by all those who feel like perusing the random words of my good self.

The interview was published on the blog Change Therapy, a fantastic blog aiming to making lives better and making better lives.

Read the interview Mental Health, Cancer and Art here

The interviews are conducted through Peopleized, a site where you can find people to interview, offer yourself up for interviews and generally have lots of interview based fun and shenanigans. Check it out, and if ya like, I’m always up for being interviewed :)

How many of you knew it was International Men’s Health week?

Be honest now, don’t go…ahhh, yes, I knew that, of course I did. Honesty rules ok, so start using it - else I’ll start scolding, and you won’t like it when I start scolding!

I’ll start, I didn’t actually realise what the week was until today. I should have done and I have duly scolded myself for not being aware of this sooner. So now I’m allowed out of the corner I thought I’d jump on this wee blog o’mine and tell all of you people what I found out.

I bet half of you don’t even care, I mean there are SOOOOoooooooo many “international weeks of this” or “international days of that” these days that quite often a single week has several different things attached to it. Then there’s each specific country having his/her own specific “week of this” or “week of that” that most of us just give up and go eat a Belgium waffle. And why not, Belguim waffle’s are good (damn good) far more orgasmically exciting than thinking about the fact that male suicide often out-numbers female suicide by four to one.

That’s not important is it, not in the scheme of waffle related orgasms.

Now being a man I know from personal experience that I never used to want to admit to being sick, or ill, or anything really that showed my weaknesses. If I had a cold then I just struggled through. Back in the days when I used to work full time I would crawl into work feeling like utter shit rather than admit that I actually needed to go and see a Doctor, even when I had glandular fever last year I struggled on through work, college, trips, hikes, horserides and the like rather than just rest and allow myself time to recover from an illness which could in fact kill me! I wasn’t worried about that because the waffle as substitute for sex society in which we live doesn’t allow men to admit they sick; they’re ostracised if they do, from relationships, social circles and society in general. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer last year I didn’t tell anyone (although granted I tried to) because of the whole - a weak man is not a man argument which was thrown at me - but then we’ve covered that ground before. Men just aren’t allowed to be weak these days, a la, they’re not allowed to be sick, a la, men’s health is not important.

But it is!

I learned earlier on this week that someone I know in the UK - a man - suffered a stroke (a mini-stroke to be exact as it turned out) but a stroke is a stroke in anyone’s book and that’s bloody serious! The first thought on this man’s was not how he needed to be in hospital, but that he needed to drive to Bristol the following day to deliver an item which had been sold on Ebay…ummm, priorities :) The thing is he is actually also pretty young and in the long term this may possibly have been avoided.

I guess my point is one I’ve covered before, which is that men should not be made to feel weak for having an illness. It’s bloody ridiculous in this day in age, that men are still being made to feel they cannot admit or talk about both physical and mental illnesses which are bothering them in order to make themselves ‘more desireable’ for the opposite sex.

To put it another way; would the women out there prefer to receive their sexual gratification from the delicious delights of a Belgium waffle (and I’m sure many are thinking “Orgasm merely from eating a Belgium waffle, if it were only that easy!”) or would you prefer to be snuggled up in bed with your honey having wild nights of romping fun with something which actually breathes and feels and emotes and thinks about your pleasure (and yes, that sort of man does exist before you say otherwise)?

If you answer Yep, I would much prefer the waffle!
Well then, prepare for a scolding!

If you answer I would actually much much prefer my man.
Well then, how long has it been since he went to the GP for a check up? Maybe it’s time to go.

And for the men out there - physical or mental health concerns? - it really doesn’t take much to go see a Doctor. 

So have a wee think this week about your health. Any nagging pains, aches, frustrations or worries. Maybe now’s the time to get it checked out - before that stroke (or other long term, possibly terminal, condition) bites you on the ass instead of your partner.

Related Posts:

• Men and Mental Health
• Rant #1: Sexism

Do you know how long it’s been since I last thought of Garfield?

Well, actually it’s been about 3 and a half minutes…

…but before that, well we’re talking at least 8 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 3/4 days (approximate guess).

How I used to like Garfield, he made me smile. Back in those long distant days where happiness was something I felt daily instead of for a few fleeting bi-annual moments. Pookie made me smile too, but then how could Pookie not make you smile?

Then I am informed about a website which takes Garfield to a whole new level. Basically you remove Garfield from the comic strip. With that one element removed everything changes. It’s like when you take happiness from your life, everything changes, everything looks different, and people see it and you differently. It becomes something else, something much closer to the daily struggles of bipolar, schizophrenia and chronic loneliness. It does something new, imparts a message which people may not be able to understand in other ways. No matter how many words are written, sometimes it takes a visual slap on the butt to get something across, for example:

May hit home on loneliness as a daily way of life for some people in ways words in badly written blog posts may not. My life has moments like this on most days, as do many the world over.

Or take these examples:

All of which take you to far more disturbing, unsettling and uncomfortable emotional places than if that familiar cat was also in the frame. I guess that’s what happens when you remove happiness from the picture; your life becomes empty.

But not pointless.

Have some more Garfield-Less fun at: http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/

In the five and a half years or so I lived here before returning to the UK there was very little postive action in promoting mental health awareness in Australia. Sure there was the odd poster here, the odd sign on a tram there, but that was about it.

To most Australian’s I met and spoke with mental illness seemed to be this pseudo-mythical condition which meant you should spend the rest of your life locked up in some institution somewhere never to see the light of day again.

Some may continue to think like that, sometime’s it’s difficult for people to fit into the widely expected Australian stereotype of ‘laid back surfer dude’ or ‘funky coffee shop chick’ when they are dealing with depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia or the like.

It’s also been my experience that a lot of people (not just in Australia) are not that interested in understanding what mental illness is or how it affects someone, as long as it doesn’t effect them.

Directly or indirectly.

As long as it doesn’t get in the way of their happy little life, I mean who needs someone suffering from mental illness to drag you down, eh? They’re just useless frackwits!

But since returning here about a month ago I’ve been pleased to see not one - but two - major campaigns running to assist in promoting mental health awareness; both by leading mental health charities in Australia.

The first is from SANE Australia, who have a print, television, radio and internet campaign running.

The national campaign features everyday street signs and billboards replaced with titles such as ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’ and ‘mood swings’ to represent how mental illness is a part of everyday life for many people – and the importance of identifying possible signs.

‘Friends and family are often the first people to notice the changes in behaviour or thinking that can be early signs of mental illness. SANE encourages people to have the confidence to act on their concerns as soon as possible and simplify what can be an overwhelming process by providing clear information and advice,’ says Barbara Hocking, Executive Director of SANE Australia.

The ‘Signs’ campaign has been developed through the generous support of award-winning ad agency, Commotion, and the TV commercial was directed by David Jagoda, renowned for his work on high-profile campaigns for Nokia, Ikea and MTV among others.

Find out more information on the SANE campaign and VIEW THE TV adverts here

The second is from Beyondblue: the national depression initiative who have also launched a radio, print and TV campaign.

There are six new TV commercials in the series and an additional one aimed at men, which has already been seen in rural areas across Australia.

Produced by Frontier Advertising in close association with beyondblue, each commercial provides a candid insight into the experiences of people with these conditions and how they hide their symptoms from friends, families and work colleagues.

The message is: “Helping someone with depression isn’t beyond you. For more information visit this website or call the beyondblue info line 1300 22 4636 (local call).”

beyondblue Chairman The Hon. Jeff Kennett said: “These advertisements are so real, everyone will be moved by the message and circumstances of the characters in the ads. The campaign will help beyondblue to get the message out that depression is common and help is available.”

Find out more information on the BEYONDBLUE campaign and VIEW THE TV adverts here

I have myself witness the SANE campaign in many locations, and only came across the BeyondBlue campaign today whilst visiting a public bathroom - only to be met with a poster regarding bipolar disorder.

According to the Beyondblue website this campaign was launched in 2006, and I’m sorry I was not aware of it running until now.

Having witnessed the SANE television campaign I can only applaud it, I truly hope both campaigns run and run and people start taking notice and broadening their understanding of this issue which affects so many lives not only in Australia but the world over.

I can only hope more campaigns are running like this the world over, if not, then they need to start. Which gets me thinking…how would you like to see a campaign run to raise awareness of mental health? How should it be handled? Any thoughts?

For those of you in the UK who don’t wish to know plot spoilers for your favourite Australian import, then look away.

For those of you in the US who don’t even know what Neighbours is, it’s a weekday soap opera.

For those of you who don’t care, ah well, thems the breaks :)

Although I haven’t seen any of the emerging storyline myself - being without a TV makes it difficult to catch up on this sort of thing - Ramsay Street is beginning a storyline in which one of it’s residents is revealed to have bipolar disorder.

Actress: Simone Buchanan

Personally I think it’s bloody fantastic that this is happening. All too often in television mental illness is sensationalised and trivialised, much to the chagrin of people who are making every effort they can to explain and promote good mental health awareness, so for a major television show like this to take on such a storyline - it should be applauded.

If I ever get the chance to see the storyline myself, then I’ll keep you abreast of new information.

Until then, you can read the full article on the SANE Australia website here

Anna Popplewell
Susan from Prince Caspian

READ MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE HERE

I’ve always been a Narnia guy. Sure Middle Earth came along and I loved it, still do. Sure Newford came along and I loved it, still do, I return to those streets often and frequently in reality and my dreams…but I have alwaysbeen a Narnia guy. How can someone not be? I mean there you are playing hide and seek, camping down in a wardrobe and then BAM you’re suddenly in the middle of winter in a far off mythical world. You meet fawns and dwarves and talking beavers and this mighty lion who is King of them all named Aslan. How can you not be a Narnia guy? Or girl? 

I remember back in the olden days when the Narnia books were made into 6 part BBC television adaptations for a Sunday early evening slot. Back in the days where you’d staple a few things together to make yourself a Beaver costume and hope the viewers would squint, or at least not notice that the Beavers were actually the same height as the humans - which is just silly really. They’re talkingbeavers, not giant beavers! Anyways, loved them, can quote them ad-infinitum.

Then a few years ago we had the multi-million dollar Hollywood adaptation of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - and let’s be honest, aside from a few delightful moments, a cracking score and Georgina Henley it was a bit crap. But hey, at least they got the size comparison between beavers and humans right :)

Now, we get the multi-million dollar Hollywood adaptation of Prince Caspian. And I was always wanting to watch it (being a Narnia guy and all) but after the disappointment of the last film I was always a little hesitant…no more beavers, no more Mr Tumnas…instead though we get Reepicheep, Trufflehunter the Badger, Prince Caspian himself and Georgie Henley.

And by Aslan’s mane it WORKS!

This is the adaptation The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobeshould have been. This is Narnia as I’ve always wanted to see it. Not some dimly lit so-obviously-a-studio with the same actors playing half a dozen roles. This is Narnia with a heart, with a soul, with Eddie Izzard, Ken Stott and Georgie Henley.

I’m not going to bore you with the plotline - if you don’t know the plot of Prince Caspian then you’ll have some nice wonderful surprises in store. If you know the plot, they’ve done a great job with it. Sure there are odds and ends which are new, but none feel forced, and overall this film rocks from start to finish. There were scenes in the first which dragged, bits which annoyed with their placement and felt forced - action scene for action scene’s sake, sorta thing - but this time it really does just feel right, all the way through.

Everything has been taken a notch higher than the previous film. The action scenes are beautifully staged, with the climatic battle being IMHO superior to that in the previous. The castle seige is a brilliant action set piece which will bring tears to your eyes and throughout Harry Gregson William’s score feels more mature and epic than the previous theme.

The acting though is what sets this film above the previous. Sure Tilda Swinton was good in the first, but then who doesn’t love playing evil witches, even I’ve been known to do that from time to time. The returning Pevensie children, who for the most part felt a bit stiff first time round, have matured wonderfully and each turn in fantastic performances. Skandar Keynes (Edmund) and Anna Popplewell (Susan) impressed me greatly. Ben Barnes did a great job as newcomer Prince Caspian but the scene-stealers have to be Sergio Castellitto (Miras) and Peter Dinklage (Trumpkin).

Then there’s Georgie Henley - and let’s be brutally honest here - if there was ever an actress born to play Lucy, Georgie is the one. No question or doubt! She impressed me in the first film, she utterly blew me away in this one. So many scenes she just swept away from performers sometimes twice, three times her age. Her meeting with Aslan, realising all their Narnian friends were no more, that scene on the bridge (when you see the movie you’ll know it). Seriously, if you think she’s no good, or she doesn’t impress you, then you just have no heart whatsoever.

Now I know all the comparisons with religion, Christianity and Narnia but I’m not wanting to go into that here. There are many obvious nods within the film if that’s why you’re seeing it, and there’s a lot written on this topic throughout the web as it is.

As a film this works on so many levels. As literary adaptation, as rollicking fantasy action/adventure, as a boys own adventure, as coming-of-age. This is, for me, one of the finest fantasy films ever. Better than Lord of the Rings…not going to go there, it’s different, but definitely worth watching, whether you’re a Narnia fan or not. I for one can’t wait for the Dawn Treader to start it’s voyage :)

And try not to have your heart stolen by Georgie Henley! You have been warned.

Final Rating:

4.75/5 WOMBATS
(It loses .25 wombats because Lucy reminds me WAY too much of someone I once knew for my own good!)

4 Platypus Awards:
i) The Siege on the Castle
ii) Reepicheep (marvellous)
iii) That scene with Lucy on the bridge!
and
iv) Georgie Henley

My second interview has recently been published on the blog Our Evolution by Alexander M Zoltai, so head on over and give it a read.

Read the interview Depression and Living on Our Evolution

A third interview I have given, in my own inimitably frank style, is going to be published on the web this coming weekend (I am informed) so I will keep you all updated on this. Have a safe few days, I’m a little ‘out of it’ at the moment so the words are a little blurry before me.

I think I hear the sounds of Narnia a-calling me :)