Overcoming Mental Illness

When I get into a mixed episode and find all the synapsies and connections in my brain sizzling out and overworking into their friend up mix of mania and depression, one of the things I do is jump onto DeviantArt and have a scout around for some truly wonderful art. Sometimes it’s my old favourites, other times new, exciting and cute pieces which make me smile and giggle and feel joyous to be alive.

This morning, as the mixed episode continues, I found some work I wanted to share with you from an artist by the name of Malva Alcea so think of it what you will, I for one love it :)

See more of Malva Alcea’s art here…

Following on from a previous post… which I wrote when I first heard about the debate regarding some of the work by famed photographer Bill Henson, today this news broke regarding a decision over the questioned photographs. 

IT’S official. The naked girl that sparked the Bill Henson fuss is not porn. The sight of her on an invitation to the photographer’s Sydney exhibition a couple of weeks ago provoked shock and outrage, but the Classifications Board has now declared the picture “mild” and safe for many children.

It is believed the Director of Public Prosecutions is on the verge of advising NSW police that any prosecution of Henson would be unlikely to succeed.

The case against Henson appears close to collapse.

The Classification Board, under its new chief, former head of the ABC Donald McDonald, has now given the young girl on the invitation the rating PG.

Considered one of the most confronting in the Henson exhibition, the picture came to the board for classification when it was discovered in a blog discussing pornography and the sexualisation of children. But the classifiers found the “image of breast nudity … creates a viewing impact that is mild and justified by context … and is not sexualised to any degree”.

Read the full article here…

I think it’s a safe bet to say I’m bloody happy about this!

“In the context of mental illness, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states can be the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.”

Okay, so that’s the above definition of a “mixed episode” courtesy of the ever reliable Wikipedia.

It is for me the worse state to be in!

I would much rather be going through a period of depression several years long than to experience the ridiculous ups-and-downs which a mixed state can bring.

My days for the last week and a half have been like this, sometimes I’m feeling hypomanic, sometimes manic, but with this ridiculous dirge of depression always ever present in the background.

So many ideas fly into my head, so many thoughts race and ideas pounce that sometimes I can’t keep up with them myself. My yearning for sex increases, like a rhino on heat I guess is one way to describe it, or another would be like a badger on heat, or a wombat on heat, or any animal on heat, is probably the finest way to describe these urges. If it moves, wiggles, bounces, gyrates, or generally looks like it might - I start craving it.

One minute I’m a mix of Jack Nicholson, Michael Douglas, Ghandi, William Shakespeare, Ronnie O’Sullivan, John Wayne and Pooh Bear all shook up and ready to go.

The next I’m thinking of knives and bridges, drowning, hanging and overdoses.

It’s tough, it’s hard, it’s painful, it’s lonely because few seem to understand and not even the drugs I’m on seem to help it - in fact the Depakote has a tendency to elevate those self harm and suicidal urges (as I mentioned yesterday)

The good thing is when I’m manic I want to spend money, I think everyone with bipolar when manic has this urge, and as I don’t have money (fortunately I’m not homeless at the moment, but food gets tight sometimes, but then when I’m “high” so to speak I don’t need food).

The hard thing is I don’t really know how to deal with it! When I’m truly manic it’s fine, I don’t care, immortal god! When I’m truly depressed it’s fine, wanna die, no problem, been through all that before. The mixed phase I can’t get a handle on, don’t know quite what to do; any thoughts, any ideas, any suggestions? Would be gratefully received :)

See that neat little play on the title there, blimey I’m a clever wee lad aren’t I :p

Anyhow.

I wanted to try and allow this blog to grow a little, expand it’s horizens and impacts and as well as offering the power of ‘commenting’ I’ve decided to introduce a wee community space where people can gather, chat and debate issues which relate to mental health and the related conditions we deal with and fight against every day.

This can be found here: www.myjourneywithdepression.com/community

And anyone is welcome to join, whether you are a reader of this blog or not - even if you’ve never read a single word of the blog you’re welcome to join :)

As I say, it’s very new at the moment (ie - only 1 member, moi) but you never know it may grow as. For as the song says, ‘from little things, big things grow,’ so feel free to sign up and get involved. You don’t have to use your name (and this is strongly advised) so whatever is posted or commented will remain as confidential as you choose.

So check out the new community space now available through the blog.

: Discuss Interests : Chat about your Conditions : Find and Make New Friends : Have a spot of fun :

- Visit the Community Forum Here -

It’s new.

It’s exciting.

It’s an absolutely brilliant idea!

Have you been searching for a place where you can be accepted for who you are not what you are? A place where someone with bipolar can feel safe and secure? Well you have found it. OurBipolar is the first social networking site designed specifically for people with the condition known as bipolar.

Earlier on this week I learned of a fantastic new place on the net where sufferers of bipolar can gather together and form their own little community. It’s called Our Bipolar and can be found at www.ourbipolar.com. I immediately signed up because this is an initiative which deserves to succeed. So if you’re suffering from bipolar/manic depression then get your butts on over and sign up - join in the forums, join in the groups, make connections, find help and support and make new friends. What are you waiting for?

You can visit OurBipolar here: www.ourbipolar.com

Some months ago I wrote a post all about the best damn TV show concerning mental illness I have ever seen. It’s beats, hands down, any other piece of fictional media on the subject. So forget your films and made for TV telemovies, this is the KING and QUEEN of all fictional mental health television…Takin Over the Asylum is here!

…for years people have been petitioning for it’s release on VHS and then later DVD and finally, it seems, we are a few days away from it being released! According to Amazon.co.uk it is to be released on 9 June 2007 in the UK and I will check with my sources to make sure this is the case.

You can read my original piece on Takin’ Over the Asylum by simply clicking here

OR BY CLICKING HERE YOU CAN WHISK YOURSELF TO AMAZON TO PRE-ORDER A COPY

My life since deciding to cease writing the blog has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, as is often the case in the life of someone suffering from bipolar. My physical and mental health has been deteriorating, slowly, but I’m working hard to find the strength to keep fighting on and rebuild my life as best I can. I guess the ultimate goal is to find some form of normality which will allow me to feel as comfortable as I am able.

Since writing the last post all those weeks (months) ago:

• I was (finally) given some medication, which I have been taking for nearly two months now. At this point a combination of Depakote and Citilopram. I am slowly weaning myself off the Citilopram, as per instructed, and am currently taking 750mg Depakote a day to try and stabilise my moods. So far, so-so. I’m still up and down, and right now am descending into a down with the odd glimmer of possibly entering a mixed episode as flashes of hypomania keep recurring. My weight is increasing as a result of the Depakote, a common side effect, and other side effects have been recurrent and continuous  with some fading quicker than others.
• My brother got married. Although the day was hard for me to get through, with all the social anxiety etc etc etc which has been talked about before, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I got to wear a kilt, and I have to say I felt absolutely marvellous all day. I’m considering purchasing one just to wear on a daily basis, they’re that comfortable. All those guys looking stiff and uncomfortable in their suits - and me swaying around with a kilt. Awesome!
• I am now back in Australia, Melbourne to be exact. That’s really a whole other post which I’m sure will follow in time, but it feels wonderful to be back. However awesome it was to be in the UK again and see places I never thought I would, it made me realise what I always knew - which is that Melbourne is my home now. It always will be. And if I’m going to try and make my life anywhere close to what I want it to be; this is where I want to be.

As for the blog, things will probably be a little different than it was before. Back then I was struggling with so much; severe depression, self harm, bipolar diagnosis, struggling with anxiety and PTSD, fighting for help and medication, trying to come to terms with crippling loneliness and isolation, daily hallucinations and periods of mild psychosis, homelessness and frequent suicidal thoughts. In all honesty all of the above still applies (I have to say, after researching Depakote and learning that a side effect of the drug is recurrent self harm and suicidal thoughts, I can say that this is indeed true!) my life is lonely and frequently I don’t cope, but I am working hard to fight on as I always have. I’m sure posts on mental illness will still be present, but I plan to share a little more about what makes me a person, what makes me ‘me’; Addy.

This is kindof what I had originally planned when the blog commenced, so I guess I’ll just see what happens. See whether anyone still reads, and see what ends up occurring :)

I guess everyone’s wondering what just happened…nothing for months and then…BAM…a new blog which had only a handful of posts and then…BAM…nothing…and then…BAM…suddenly this old blog of mine get’s several new posts which all look rather familiar because they’re the ones which appeared on the old blog. Well, there is an explanation, which is simple:

I was having SOOOOOOOOOO many problems getting things to work properly on the new blog which was really just pissing me off, and because I had such a wonderful blog that worked perfectly and correctly (most) of the time I thought…to hell with it…people are allowed to change their minds…so everything’s been shifted across and this is where I’m gonna be writing from now on.

Understand?

Probably not, but then, who does, as I certainly don’t.

All that I am, all that I ever was: My Journey with Depression…continues, a little different, a little more eclectic, but Addy’s back and (other blog/indeterminate problems aside) I may hang around for a while.

Having been duly scolded by Ms B on my previous comment I would like to say that I completely agree that the male body is - on many levels - wonderful and beautiful to behold. There have been many fine works of art and photographs taken over the years of just this. A long time past (when I used to have a collection of photography folios) I had and would marvel over many a fine and gorgeous photo of a naked man. And I’m not being sarcastic there in the slightest.

I guess in some ways people view these as often more pornographic than the Bill Henson photo, mainly because of the presence of (shock!) a penis! Whether it be erect or not for some reason people seem to see a penis and think immediately of pornography. Or is that just me reading things into things that aren’t there?

I guess the point of all this naked flesh is that too many people the mere thought of nudity in photography will automatically mean it’s porn. I was once with a few people as they looked through a photography folio of nude photographs - men as well as women in this book, Ms B :) - and as they flicked through photo after photo of beautifully composed and very well lit photos they were just uttering porn…porn…porn…porn and the way the world seems to be heading is that any artistic photo featuring the naked body will be automatically banned.

The only naked photos we can hope to see will be on bill boards, magazine pages and advertisements for ice-cream. I personally think that’s wrong.

It’s always difficult when there’s such a controversial subject to decide what to do. When I sat down yesterday to write about the incident regarding Bill Henson’s photograph I had to make a choice as to whether to reproduce the photograph in question on the blog.

I decided to do so because without the image people are not able to make an honest, open and informed decision regarding the argument themselves.

Some people will be shocked and appalled by the image and, yes, I have received the odd email of complaint.

Some people though see the photograph just as I do.

An expression of art.

Art is meant to be confronting.

It is meant to create emotion.

What’s the point of it if it doesn’t do that?

Art should always be more than just “Oooo, that look pretty!”