Overcoming Mental Illness

As the end draws near, the finale of the rather short and randomly intermittent Starter for Ten series. Where the questions which have been perplexing you are answered. So with my fingers getting all itchy on the buzzer, here we go: 

1) How much money have you made in this blogging venture of yours? Surely all this moaning about your life was only for the money?

I have made - taking into account competitions, online costs and internet cafes - minus £143. Yep, this blog has actually cost me money! Woohoo!

I never set out to make any money from this blog, that was never the intention, and even as the blog progressed I never for a moment thought about trying to make any money from this it.

The recent appearance of adverts was a natural addition and any money raised through these adverts were to be donated to charity.

There is way too much self-thinking going on in the world at the moment – way too many people clammering to make as much money as they can for their next great adventure or the latest upgrade in technological advancement. It really annoys me, everywhere I look there’s money making schemes and “how to win it big so you can afford that big house on the beach and mock those less fortunate than you” ventures. And don’t even get me started on The Apprentice. I’m all for making money, we all need it to live, but there should be a point when we stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about what other people are going through. My main issue with the world as it is today is the selfishness of it, it’s contaminating society, and everyone is becoming more apathetic to other people in their monumental me-me-me-me-me quest.

So to anyone who thinks this blog has made me money, you’re wrong. I never wanted to make money from this blog. I wanted to share my life, the problems I’ve had to face, raise awareness of mental illness and related issues which no-one talks about. Expose myself to the world so that others in similar situations don’t feel so lonely. That was always why I did it and not for a second did making money ever cross my mind.

Whilst I’m on the subject:

Through this blog, £15 has been raised for the Mental Health Foundation. Not much, but something.
And the current total through Stray Visions: The Stray Thoughts Art Shop is £238.

Which I’m quite proud of.

2) What is it you are feeling when you self harm?

Fear. Pain. Relief. Anger. Relief. Fear. Joy. All manner of things really. I’m very proud of (Some) True Confessions of a Self Harmer as well as A Self Interview with a Self Harmer both of which were me trying to explain how I feel when and why I self harm.

3) What do you miss about Australia?

So
Many
Things

Edinburgh Gardens – Walking down Chapel Street – Chilling on the Beach – Cycling the bike paths, especially the Yarra track and along the bay – rainforests – the wonderful food at the VegieBar and cafes of Brunswick Street – sitting by the Torrens – the people – my old friends – the plethora of second hand bookshops – Port Fairy – the ice cream – Adam Hill – the great festivals in Melbourne – Wombats – bikinis – Sean Micallef – the music scene – Carlton Gardens – the Dandenongs – Trivia Nights – the future I nearly had – and so – much – much – more - …

I could go on and on and on about what I miss about Australia, I could write a whole separate blog on the subject of this country, detailing in great length all the things I love, miss and (vice versa) the problems and annoyances with the country. I tried hard to make my life and future in Australia, unfortunately, Australia decided it didn’t want someone like me.

4) What was the last thing that made you giggle? What was the last thing that made you smile? What was the last thing which made your heart skip a beat? What was the last thing that made you glad to be alive?

Giggle? Easy – that Adipose sliding down the bonnet of the taxi.

We need more ridiculously cute aliens. How many people the world over said “I want one!” after seeing this!

Smile? An email I received a few days ago. Yep. That made me smile big time :)

Skip a beat? It’s a bit sad (like my life these days), but an episode of a television series I watched last night had a line that not only caused my heart to skip a beat but momentarily stop as well. The line was “Because you’re breaking my heart,” and it was delivered so perfectly that anyone who says television is an empty void with no redeeming features watches way too much reality television.

Glad to be alive? We have to be going back over a year for that one, so far back in time in fact that I can’t actually remember what it was. Ach, well!

5) Do you think your post talking about your manic phase will alter people’s opinions of you?

Yes, I do. Stigma dictates a lot of people’s perceptions of mental illness, so going into such a topic was a hard choice to make.

I have wanted to talk about it in the past, but was aware that it may cloud people’s views of me. They might focus on the selfish misogynistic aspects of the phase rather than the confusion and danger inherent in the phase. However, setting out to detail my life, I think it’s important to be there as it opens up further knowledge of the difficulties in living with manic depression.

6) If you had unlimited funds and unlimited time constraints (i.e.: past, present, future) and no obligations to fulfill….. Where would you like to go on holiday?

Good question…a bloody hard question as well. I mean there’s the simple answer of the holiday’s I nearly had; the Whitsunday week and South American trip I had planned for last year, they would have been fantastic to do and I’m frustrated things didn’t pan out as I’d hoped. There’s also just the odd countries I’d love to have the opportunity to explore; Italy, Iceland, Norway, Spain, France and New Zealand. Or the cities I’d love to visit; Los Angeles, St Petersburg, Perth, Sienna, Barcelona for various reasons or people.

But with unlimited time constraints?

A Round the World Trip.

Fairly standard answer I think, but if I had no time or money constraints (and we’ll forget energy and health constraints as well) I would travel the entire world in as much detail and depth as I could. Most likely I would go west, as not only is it a kick-arse song which I could adopt as an anthem but I would battle to achieve something I always wanted to do, which was travel the world without stepping on a plane!

First port of call would be to learn how to drive and then obtain a Harley Trike, ever since Billy Connolly took a world tour of Australia on one, I’ve dreamed of circumnavigating the globe on one of these beasts.

Europe would be first; France, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, Sweden, Finland etc etc etc etc before zipping across and through all those wonderful Eastern European countries and then upwards to Russia to join the Trans Siberian Express (a trip I have ALWAYS wanted to do, and pretty much everyone who’s met me knows not only my love of trains but also my desire to traverse this particular route). Then down through China, bumming around all those wonderful exotic Asian countries before dropping down to Australia.

I’d go counter clockwise, most likely kicking off in Darwin round the coast to Perth, all around those Western States and then zipping across to Adelaide, up to Uluru and the red hot centre, then diagonally down to Melbourne (ahhh, Melbourne) where I’d hang out for as long as the sore-bum from the trike took to heal. Catching up with forgotten friends, old haunts and favourite spots, before heading to Tassie by Ferry, exploring this vast much dreamed of island, and then back up to Melbourne before continuing around the coast. If I did a complete circuit I may have to double back somewhere as I’d head New Zealand way next before crossing the Pacific and hitting the States.

There’s people there I’d try to meet if they’d like to, and if I were able to get the trike across, perhaps a road trip USA style around that vast country. Canada of course, of bloody course, would be revisited and then straight down to Latin America; Mexico, Cuba, dancing and music, before continuing further and further southwards into all the South American countries and then heading even further south to Antarctica.

I’d hang with the penguins for a while before tripping up to South Africa, defrosting the bike, and then heading northwards once again through this continent. I’d skip the UK for now, zipping up to Greenland and Iceland. And whilst sitting on a glacier thinking of all where I’d been I would realize I’d missed some places and have to hire a private jet to take my trike to Alaska, India, and wherever else I hadn’t been before heading back to the UK.

Starting in the Shetlands I’d journey the length of the country and then when it was all over wonder what the hell I would do next.

Of course, as I traveled around, I may even pick up a few people who would be welcome to come along for the ride, either on my same trike or perhaps they could get their own (courtesy of my unlimited funds) and we could go for a world “how many harley trikes can we get going around the world” record.

Or something like that.

But to be honest, I’d be quite happy just heading somewhere simple and cheap if I would be able to spend some time with people from my past again or those I’ve never met but would love to spend time with.

7) How hard is it to write about emotional abuse? Doesn’t it just bring it all back?

It’s always been hard for me to write about emotional abuse. Not because it just brings it all back, as I’ve never been able to get over it to begin with, so it’s already there all the time. But because of the reason I wrote first in the initial post on emotional abuse. I always had the utmost respect for the person who subjected me to this treatment, and I still do. I care about her greatly and always will. I’ll never understand why she treated me this way or what she was thinking whilst she was doing it. I talk about it because of how it has affected and destroyed my life and wish this form of abuse was talked about in the same way that physical and sexual abuse are talked about. 

As I’ve said throughout the blog, I have made mistakes through my life, but no-one ever deserves to be treated in this way regardless of their mistakes.

I was taught to forgive and forget as it is the only way people can seek the closure they need and move on. I don’t hold grudges. If someone is frequently being reminded of all their mistakes, how are they ever supposed to change? 

8) Do you think you’ll ever overcome all of the demons you’re fighting?

Short answer – no.

Long answer – noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Seriously, I was fighting the demons for so long that when I finally overcame them in early 2006 I was exhausted, especially with the glandular fever. So to be diagnosed with CLL almost as soon as I’d done so was just a slap in the face, and the resulting collapse of my life has basically taken all the energy and drive from me. To lose what I lost I would not even wish on my most reviled of worst enemies.

It’s not that I’ve given up, as I’ve continued to fight even when my back’s been against the wall and my soul’s been staring into the flaming fires of hell, I’ve dragged myself back from the brink on dozens of occasions in the last twelve months. A point however has been reached when I no longer believe I have the energy to fight as hard as I did for those 14 long years. The demons will always be there, I’ve no doubt about that, I had my chance to be the person I always dreamed of being. I lost that chance.

And we only ever get one chance with everything and one in life.

And that’s it. Only one post to go now and I’ll be honest in saying I’m trying to make it a ‘classic’, it will also be a lot happier and perkier than the posts which have gone up over the last few days.

Of all the treatments I have tried to combat depression with over the last fifteen years this is the only one I have had success with, as such, I believe it to be the greatest treatment for depression…so tomorrow, this will be discussed, in the final stage of Addy’s Journey with Depression.