The mixed episode - any thoughts, suggestions, ideas?
“In the context of mental illness, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states can be the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.”
Okay, so that’s the above definition of a “mixed episode” courtesy of the ever reliable Wikipedia.
It is for me the worse state to be in!
I would much rather be going through a period of depression several years long than to experience the ridiculous ups-and-downs which a mixed state can bring.
My days for the last week and a half have been like this, sometimes I’m feeling hypomanic, sometimes manic, but with this ridiculous dirge of depression always ever present in the background.
So many ideas fly into my head, so many thoughts race and ideas pounce that sometimes I can’t keep up with them myself. My yearning for sex increases, like a rhino on heat I guess is one way to describe it, or another would be like a badger on heat, or a wombat on heat, or any animal on heat, is probably the finest way to describe these urges. If it moves, wiggles, bounces, gyrates, or generally looks like it might - I start craving it.
One minute I’m a mix of Jack Nicholson, Michael Douglas, Ghandi, William Shakespeare, Ronnie O’Sullivan, John Wayne and Pooh Bear all shook up and ready to go.
The next I’m thinking of knives and bridges, drowning, hanging and overdoses.
It’s tough, it’s hard, it’s painful, it’s lonely because few seem to understand and not even the drugs I’m on seem to help it - in fact the Depakote has a tendency to elevate those self harm and suicidal urges (as I mentioned yesterday)
The good thing is when I’m manic I want to spend money, I think everyone with bipolar when manic has this urge, and as I don’t have money (fortunately I’m not homeless at the moment, but food gets tight sometimes, but then when I’m “high” so to speak I don’t need food).
The hard thing is I don’t really know how to deal with it! When I’m truly manic it’s fine, I don’t care, immortal god! When I’m truly depressed it’s fine, wanna die, no problem, been through all that before. The mixed phase I can’t get a handle on, don’t know quite what to do; any thoughts, any ideas, any suggestions? Would be gratefully received :)
