Comments on: Words Cut Like a Knife (aka - the effects of emotional abuse) http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse My Journey with Depression Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:17:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: jen http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-2146 jen Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:50:52 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-2146 First, I'd like to disagree a bit with the above poster - you should end any and all relationship and contact with this woman. Emotional abusers do not stop being abusive overnight, and she has a long road ahead of her (assuming she even wants to change). Second, I'd recommend joining some group or organization that has a central principle of cooperation and trust. The only examples that spring to mind right now are a bit hippie-ish (communal farming or cooperative living/cooking situations), but possibly any organization where care of a shared space or project is distributed among the members. This will help rebuild your faith in other people, in their willingness to help you just because, and in your own ability to positively contribute. For me, several such experiences were crucial in recovering from an abusive relationship. Immediately after escaping from my relationship, I was withdrawn, and had no interest in any sort of real connection with others, because I couldn't bring myself to 'give' anything in a relationship. But, after being surrounded by people who did have a sense of community, and who would help others out because that's the kind of community they wanted to foster, I gradually developed the ability to trust and reciprocate in relationships again. In short, echoing the above advice to continue speaking with your therapist about your depression, I'd just like to add my own words of encouragement: with enough time and patience, you can recover. You can get back your self-esteem. You can trust other people again. And once you do, you will find a relationship with someone who will respect you and treat you accordingly. First, I’d like to disagree a bit with the above poster - you should end any and all relationship and contact with this woman. Emotional abusers do not stop being abusive overnight, and she has a long road ahead of her (assuming she even wants to change).
Second, I’d recommend joining some group or organization that has a central principle of cooperation and trust. The only examples that spring to mind right now are a bit hippie-ish (communal farming or cooperative living/cooking situations), but possibly any organization where care of a shared space or project is distributed among the members. This will help rebuild your faith in other people, in their willingness to help you just because, and in your own ability to positively contribute.
For me, several such experiences were crucial in recovering from an abusive relationship. Immediately after escaping from my relationship, I was withdrawn, and had no interest in any sort of real connection with others, because I couldn’t bring myself to ‘give’ anything in a relationship. But, after being surrounded by people who did have a sense of community, and who would help others out because that’s the kind of community they wanted to foster, I gradually developed the ability to trust and reciprocate in relationships again.
In short, echoing the above advice to continue speaking with your therapist about your depression, I’d just like to add my own words of encouragement: with enough time and patience, you can recover. You can get back your self-esteem. You can trust other people again. And once you do, you will find a relationship with someone who will respect you and treat you accordingly.

]]> By: Cath http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-428 Cath Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:26:03 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-428 Hello. I believe depression and emotional abuse unfortunately go together. When I met my husband, I was in control of my depression by accepting my own feelings instead of reacting to them. Acceptance of feelings is the first stage to recovering from depression. My husband was emotionally abused as a child and ignored my feelings. This was just fine with me when I met him. I believed he had worked through similar feelings himself and had conquered them. I had a lot to learn. In fact, he has not worked through any feelings! As the years have gone by, ignoring my feelings and physical hardships has been an eye opener. When heavily pregnant he never lifted anything for me behinf closed doors but did ni company. Same scenario for playing with the children. I was so used to receiving no help, that he would whisper to me that "He'll put the pram in the boot" when other watched on. The next stage to recovery from depression I believe is to try new things bit by bit, instead of benign acceptance. It is very hard to try anything new because my husband has something bad to say about all of my ideas that dervie from my emotions. If I go do it anyway, he abuses viciously for sometimes years. On some occasions I have wondered if he might hit though he never has. Anyway, getting back to my point. A depressed individual is attracted to an abusive individual because what we really want them to do for us is abuse the depression out of us! They get a weakened and often isolated target to avoid personal growth with. It is difficult to work on the relationship when both partners have issues. I beleive your friend had been emotionaslly abused by someone herself. I haven't given up on my husband or my marriage yet, but I have come very close. I suggest that you work on your depression with your therapists. She is not qualified to help you. I also suggest that she seeks help (this is really really hard because she will say your suggestions are manipulative and attack you in some way). If you love her and want the relationship to success then you both have to seek help with an open mind and deal with the issues that cause pain. If you work onm your depression and she does not work on her ghosts of abuse, soon you will not find her attractive anymore. Nasty things are said and done when damage has been done. I can even detect an abusive "personality" in my husband that appears under stress every now and then. Good luck. I believe most people give up too soon and are afraid to really see what is happening. Hello. I believe depression and emotional abuse unfortunately go together. When I met my husband, I was in control of my depression by accepting my own feelings instead of reacting to them. Acceptance of feelings is the first stage to recovering from depression. My husband was emotionally abused as a child and ignored my feelings. This was just fine with me when I met him. I believed he had worked through similar feelings himself and had conquered them. I had a lot to learn. In fact, he has not worked through any feelings! As the years have gone by, ignoring my feelings and physical hardships has been an eye opener. When heavily pregnant he never lifted anything for me behinf closed doors but did ni company. Same scenario for playing with the children. I was so used to receiving no help, that he would whisper to me that “He’ll put the pram in the boot” when other watched on. The next stage to recovery from depression I believe is to try new things bit by bit, instead of benign acceptance. It is very hard to try anything new because my husband has something bad to say about all of my ideas that dervie from my emotions. If I go do it anyway, he abuses viciously for sometimes years. On some occasions I have wondered if he might hit though he never has. Anyway, getting back to my point. A depressed individual is attracted to an abusive individual because what we really want them to do for us is abuse the depression out of us! They get a weakened and often isolated target to avoid personal growth with. It is difficult to work on the relationship when both partners have issues. I beleive your friend had been emotionaslly abused by someone herself. I haven’t given up on my husband or my marriage yet, but I have come very close. I suggest that you work on your depression with your therapists. She is not qualified to help you. I also suggest that she seeks help (this is really really hard because she will say your suggestions are manipulative and attack you in some way). If you love her and want the relationship to success then you both have to seek help with an open mind and deal with the issues that cause pain. If you work onm your depression and she does not work on her ghosts of abuse, soon you will not find her attractive anymore. Nasty things are said and done when damage has been done. I can even detect an abusive “personality” in my husband that appears under stress every now and then. Good luck. I believe most people give up too soon and are afraid to really see what is happening.

]]> By: Shiv http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-304 Shiv Sat, 24 May 2008 00:43:31 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-304 Firstly, thank you for doing your bit to promote understanding of emotional abuse! It's an unfortunate truth that emotional abuse is the least understood among the general population, and also the form of abuse that is taken least seriously. Like you I had the same shocking experience with the new genre of books, only where I was they were labelled "lost childhood". Like you said, each one was identically packaged like they had come off a production line, but not one of them dealt with just emotional abuse. I guess it's just not shocking enough to make the dollars. As a victim of emotional abuse myself, as well as close friend to a number of abuse victims, it upsets me that more isn't being done to combat emotional abuse in society. The scars that emotional abuse leave can become carefully camoflaged in our "normal" behaviour, making it even harder to recognise and heal the damage. I hope you can find the healing you are looking for, and your life is saturated in positivity from this point forward. ~Shiv Firstly, thank you for doing your bit to promote understanding of emotional abuse! It’s an unfortunate truth that emotional abuse is the least understood among the general population, and also the form of abuse that is taken least seriously.
Like you I had the same shocking experience with the new genre of books, only where I was they were labelled “lost childhood”. Like you said, each one was identically packaged like they had come off a production line, but not one of them dealt with just emotional abuse. I guess it’s just not shocking enough to make the dollars.
As a victim of emotional abuse myself, as well as close friend to a number of abuse victims, it upsets me that more isn’t being done to combat emotional abuse in society. The scars that emotional abuse leave can become carefully camoflaged in our “normal” behaviour, making it even harder to recognise and heal the damage.
I hope you can find the healing you are looking for, and your life is saturated in positivity from this point forward.
~Shiv

]]> By: Catherine http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-241 Catherine Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:42:17 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-241 It sounds like she has a lot of mental problems and needs help. It's very sad that you have gone through so much and my heart reaches out to you. I think that you are a very strong person and deserve so much more in life. I hope that one day this girl won't hold the power over you that she does now. I hope one day that you will be able to let all of this go and realize that she has a lot of issues and unfortunately you received the brunt of them. You aren't the things that she said. You are a very sensitive, strong, nice, and great person. I hope that you can see it for yourself one day because I certainly do. It sounds like she has a lot of mental problems and needs help.

It’s very sad that you have gone through so much and my heart reaches out to you. I think that you are a very strong person and deserve so much more in life.

I hope that one day this girl won’t hold the power over you that she does now. I hope one day that you will be able to let all of this go and realize that she has a lot of issues and unfortunately you received the brunt of them.

You aren’t the things that she said. You are a very sensitive, strong, nice, and great person. I hope that you can see it for yourself one day because I certainly do.

]]> By: c5 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-240 c5 Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:23:53 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-240 You're too much in love wih her that you've sacrificed a lot. If that will be chanelled to someone who reciprocates, love will grow. She is spilled milk, go find another who cares. Until her mind opens, she will be a slave of the devil who uses her capacity to verbal-abuse and make it her strength. Life must go on. We always have a choice, choose wisely. Get busy with something else that you have no time to think about anything that has to do with her. When you have found those avenues, post a temporary goodby to this blog and make another one that has something to do with everything that you're doing/getting busy about to replace your thoughts about her and everything that she had said and done. Why make another blog? Because while you're under "self-treatment" by doing something else and blogging about it to mark your improvement and make a habit out of it, doing so on the same blog will only give you the itch to check your previous posts and will only dampen your spirits again. When you are over it, you can get back to test how well you are. It's your life. Do something good to enhance it, not destroy it. Sadly, her name does not fit her. In time she might also change but until you can handle it, I suggest not getting any contact with her whatsever. Move to another place if you can and don't leave an address. If I was in your situation, that's what I'd do. We are both optimistic. The difference is your optimism was channeled the wrong way. I remember the animation movie Scooby Doo... "We're gonna dieeee!!!!" "Be optimistic." "We're gonna die fasterrrrrrr!!!" What you need is to counter attack by way of changing what's in your head. Mere removal of thought of her is just halfway. You've got to do something to REPLACE it with something that can keep you busy that there's no time to even think about her at all. Join a sports club. Find a hobby. Join community service projects. Help somebody with a project. By doing something for others, you draw the attention away from yourself, which in turn, actually helps yourself. Start from scratch. Don't think you cannot do it. Try it first. It's not the fall that counts but the number of times you stand up and take another step that gets you forward. I hope that helps. :) You’re too much in love wih her that you’ve sacrificed a lot. If that will be chanelled to someone who reciprocates, love will grow. She is spilled milk, go find another who cares. Until her mind opens, she will be a slave of the devil who uses her capacity to verbal-abuse and make it her strength.

Life must go on. We always have a choice, choose wisely.

Get busy with something else that you have no time to think about anything that has to do with her. When you have found those avenues, post a temporary goodby to this blog and make another one that has something to do with everything that you’re doing/getting busy about to replace your thoughts about her and everything that she had said and done.

Why make another blog? Because while you’re under “self-treatment” by doing something else and blogging about it to mark your improvement and make a habit out of it, doing so on the same blog will only give you the itch to check your previous posts and will only dampen your spirits again. When you are over it, you can get back to test how well you are.

It’s your life. Do something good to enhance it, not destroy it.

Sadly, her name does not fit her. In time she might also change but until you can handle it, I suggest not getting any contact with her whatsever. Move to another place if you can and don’t leave an address.

If I was in your situation, that’s what I’d do. We are both optimistic. The difference is your optimism was channeled the wrong way. I remember the animation movie Scooby Doo…

“We’re gonna dieeee!!!!”
“Be optimistic.”
“We’re gonna die fasterrrrrrr!!!”

What you need is to counter attack by way of changing what’s in your head. Mere removal of thought of her is just halfway. You’ve got to do something to REPLACE it with something that can keep you busy that there’s no time to even think about her at all.

Join a sports club.
Find a hobby.
Join community service projects.
Help somebody with a project.

By doing something for others, you draw the attention away from yourself, which in turn, actually helps yourself.

Start from scratch. Don’t think you cannot do it. Try it first.

It’s not the fall that counts but the number of times you stand up and take another step that gets you forward.

I hope that helps. :)

]]> By: Mrs. Micah http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-239 Mrs. Micah Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:02:33 +0000 http://www.myjourneywithdepression.com/words-cut-like-a-knife-aka-the-effects-of-emotional-abuse#comment-239 One of my roommates in college was emotionally abused and controlled by her boyfriend. She was a social work major, but she didn't see it. Once she broke up with him, he got violent as well. I saw the toll his words took on her and how his actions pinned her down. She was a loving, giving person and he took advantage of that. She was fortunate that his behaviors were so egregious even if not physical that her friends caught on and then she caught on. I imagine that if she'd been living with him, it would have been a whole lot harder to see... I'm not sure if this would help, but books on abuse in a library that uses the Dewey Decimal system should be in 362.7. For better or worse, they circulate pretty well. I hope that it's people getting the help they need, but I wish that the help wasn't needed in the first place. I don't know how many we have for emotional abuse vs. emotional combined with physical. Relationships are a mixed bag in 646.7, but some libraries include books on abusive relationships there. Otherwise it's mostly relationship improvement books. One of my roommates in college was emotionally abused and controlled by her boyfriend. She was a social work major, but she didn’t see it. Once she broke up with him, he got violent as well. I saw the toll his words took on her and how his actions pinned her down. She was a loving, giving person and he took advantage of that. She was fortunate that his behaviors were so egregious even if not physical that her friends caught on and then she caught on. I imagine that if she’d been living with him, it would have been a whole lot harder to see…

I’m not sure if this would help, but books on abuse in a library that uses the Dewey Decimal system should be in 362.7. For better or worse, they circulate pretty well. I hope that it’s people getting the help they need, but I wish that the help wasn’t needed in the first place. I don’t know how many we have for emotional abuse vs. emotional combined with physical.

Relationships are a mixed bag in 646.7, but some libraries include books on abusive relationships there. Otherwise it’s mostly relationship improvement books.

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