Explaining “I Can’t Kill Myself”
When I presented at triage I said I had no thoughts of hurting myself
Then when asked if I had thoughts of ending my life I said "I can’t"
The way I felt and what they seemed to understand did not feel the same
What I meant is not that I have a desire to live but rather that there are unfortunate barriers between idea and action
Part of it is that things are already hard for people around me and making them deal with my death while they have other issues going on feels cruel so I need to wait
Another aspect is the more boring life admin I need to sort out (will, house cleaning, cover rent to give time for someone to deal with my belongings, providing access to my passwords/accounts, etc)
It's a little silly to think of my death as something that needs a project plan but when I try something I want to do it right
There is something especially awful about feeling this way knowing that to do such a selfish act would take energy I simply do not have. The amount of organisation needed feels so massive that I get stuck before I can even begin
There's a strange feeling of shame being trapped between the thought of dying and the seemingly impossible task of acting on it
That is what "I can’t kill myself" feels like to me. Not hope, limbo
I'm stuck here waiting for something to change as I try to catch myself whenever I tempt fate