Why Jax’s Breakdown in The Amazing Digital Circus Hurt So Much
Spoiler warning for the end of The Amazing Digital Circus
Jax spends most of The Amazing Digital Circus acting like sincerity is beneath her
She mocks people for caring, makes jokes when something is serious and tries to minimise anything honest that slips out. Even when it is obvious that something has affected her she needs to act like it did not really matter
Then at the end her defences finally crack and someone stays beside her and hugs her
She is visibly not okay and they still want her close
I felt grief watching it
I wished that if I was ever in a crisis someone could find me and comfort me like that. That they could see what was happening without me having to explain everything correctly and still want to sit beside me
But I also knew that I would do everything possible to stop that from happening
I would hide that I was in crisis. If they noticed I would minimise it. If they offered to help I would probably become anxious about making them uncomfortable or responsible for me
I do not even know if being found would feel good
I still want it
Jax
I already felt a connection with Jax before the ending
Finding out that Jax is trans made that connection feel stronger. Not because being trans explains why she is cruel or because I think her behaviour is justified
It just made her feel a little closer to me
I know what it is like to hide something important and replace it with a version of yourself that feels easier for everyone else to understand. I also know what it is like to hate parts of yourself enough that it becomes hard to imagine anyone else responding differently
I think Jax hates herself deeply
She seems much more comfortable being disliked than being cared for. Being disliked is simple and maybe even validating in a strange way. It lets her continue believing that everyone is awful and closeness was never possible anyway
Being cared for is scary
It would mean admitting that the person underneath all of the jokes and cruelty actually wants something. It would mean admitting other people matter and that losing them could hurt
I do not think me withdrawing from people is morally equivalent to Jax deliberately hurting them
But I recognise the avoidance underneath
Jax thinks sincerity is dangerous and turns it into a joke
I think sincerity is scary and minimise my issues
Making myself easy
I am good at making myself seem fine
Not always convincingly but usually enough that nobody has to do much about it
I wait until I am calmer before telling anyone what happened. I leave out details that might scare them. I explain that they are not responsible for fixing me before they even suggested they feel responsible
Sometimes I mention something serious and immediately explain why it is actually not that serious
Sometimes I say nothing
I tell myself this is considerate. I do not want to ruin the mood or turn a normal evening into a mental health conversation. I do not want someone to go home worrying that I might die or thinking they now need to monitor me
It also protects me from the shame of saying something aloud and watching people's expression change
I am scared that if I talk about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, dysphoria or how much I hate myself people will think I am attention-seeking or annoying
They will think the pain itself is not real. That I am performing it, exaggerating it or manipulating them into reassuring me
Keeping it private means nobody can accuse me of that but it also means nobody can do much to help
I do not act like sincerity is beneath me
I act like sincerity would reveal that I am beneath everyone else
The problems and feelings I deal with are persistent. There's no clean conversation at the end of which I feel better and the crisis is over
That persistence is embarassing
It feels unreasonable to expect any else to think otherwise
Telling my partner
A while ago I told my partner that I had self-harmed since we last spoke
They started crying
Almost immediately I started minimising what was happening and comforting them
Their reaction was not wrong. It makes sense that hearing something like that would hurt and I do not expect someone to remain completely calm while I tell them something frightening
But the moment they reacted I stopped being able to be vulnerable
I needed to tell them it was not their fault. That they did not need to blame themselves and that they were not responsible for fixing me
All of those things were true but they also put me back in a role I understood
I stopped being the person asking for support and became the person managing the situation
This is part of why “just talk to someone” feels too simple
Once I say something it becomes real for another person. They might feel scared, guilty or helpless. They might start watching me differently. They might become anxious whenever I seem slightly off or take it personally if I don't get better
I do not want to manage that reaction
I also do not want someone to feel too guilty to tell me they no longer want me around
I often assume people only tolerate me and that I am included because doing otherwise would be impolite. If someone told me they did not want to spend time with me anymore I would be sad but I wouldn't be especially surprised
What would hurt more is thinking they had wanted me gone for months and I had stayed because I failed to notice
Telling someone I might be in danger feels like making it harder for them to leave
Are you even trying?
I do not only struggle with being vulnerable once
It is having to say the same thing again that feels especially humiliating
Depression is repetitive. Dysphoria is repetitive. Suicidal thoughts can come back. The urge to self-harm can return after a serious conversation where everyone hoped the problem had now been acknowledged
I can imagine someone being supportive the first time
I have more trouble imagining the fifth
Eventually I assume they will think:
Are you even trying?
We already talked about this
What else do you expect me to say?
Are you only bringing this up because you want reassurance?
Nothing I do helps so why keep involving me?
I have felt something similar around being trans
If transitioning does not make me happy and pretending it does not matter does not make me happy I imagine someone eventually asking whether I am even trying
The same thing happens with mental health
If talking about something does not make it go away then talking about it again starts to feel dishonest. Like I am choosing to repeat myself instead of doing anything useful
I feel like I might be allowed to be honest once
I do not feel allowed to be honest about the same thing indefinitely
What the ending made me realise
I have always logically known that hiding my feelings can affect other people
Someone might notice something is wrong. They might worry or think I do not trust them. They might only find out how bad things were after everything has already become a crisis
I understood all of that
It still felt like hiding was the kinder choice
My pain was mine. Other people had their own problems and if I could remain functional then there was no reason to make it part of their lives
Watching Jax made me feel the other side of it for the first time
Her mask is obviously not private
The people around her are not protected by her refusal to be vulnerable. They still have to deal with her, they just have to deal with the version of her that refuses to acknowledge why she acts the way she does
They care about her but she gives them no safe way to express that care
She has already decided for them that being close to her is impossible
Her version is easier to recognise because she is directly cruel to them. My version is quieter and that made it easy for me to imagine it was harmless
But someone who cares about me might notice that I am not okay and have no idea how serious it is. They might worry but not know whether checking on me would make things worse. They might want to help and not know what I actually need
They might think I do not trust them
They might only find out I was in a crisis afterwards and wonder whether there was something they could have done
I tell myself I am protecting them from feeling responsible for me
Maybe I am leaving them feeling helpless instead
That was the part I had logically understood before but had not really felt
Hiding was something I thought I was doing to myself
Watching Jax made it feel like something I might also be doing to people who care about me
I am not just failing to receive care
I might be blocking someone who's willing to give it
Care is not the same as responsibility
I tend to treat allowing someone to care about me as making them responsible for me
I do not think those are actually the same thing
I do not expect someone to fix my depression, resolve my dysphoria or guarantee that I stay alive. I know another person cannot do that
Most of the support I actually want is smaller
I want to be allowed to say the same feeling again when it has not gone away. I want someone to sit near me. I want to be able to say that I am not okay before it becomes a crisis without the conversation immediately becoming about solving me
There should be something between total secrecy and making someone responsible for my life
I do not know how to stay in that space
The moment someone reacts I want to minimise what I said. The moment they care I start feeling like I forced them to care
Hiding is easier than working out where the fair boundary is
That does not mean it is always kinder
Crying at a clown workshop
I have written before about crying at a clown workshop
I became visibly upset in front of a room of people and felt like I had become the problem everyone now needed to handle carefully
People comforted me anyway
At the time their kindness almost made me feel worse. It made me more aware of how exposed I was and how much the mood of the room had changed because of me
But their care was genuine
They did not act irritated. They did not treat me like I was performing or being ridiculous. They stayed near me
That did not make vulnerability feel safe
It did not make receiving care easy or clean and it definitely did not fix anything. I still went home as myself and continued hiding most things afterwards
But it did happen
I was visibly falling apart and people did not become disgusted with me
The ending of The Amazing Digital Circus brought me back to that
Jax cracked and someone stayed near her
I cracked and people stayed near me too
Neither experience proves that vulnerability is safe or that everyone will respond well
They just make it harder to believe that disgust is the only possible response
The hug
The hug at the end matters because nobody explains it
Jax is not given a speech about how important it is to open up. Her cruelty is not erased because it came from pain and the people she hurt were still hurt
Someone just moves closer
She is seen at the point where her performance has stopped working and they still want her near them
That challenged me but mostly it made me grieve
I wish that if I was ever in a crisis someone could find me and sit beside me
I also know I would hide
I would say I was fine. I would try to look normal. If they noticed anyway I would probably spend the whole time worrying that accepting comfort had trapped them into staying
I do not know if being found would feel comforting or humiliating
Probably both
My self-protection keeps me functioning but it also keeps me alone
Before watching the ending I knew that might hurt people who care about me. I could explain how they might worry or feel shut out
I had never really felt it
Jax made me feel it
Her mask did not only stop her from receiving care. It stopped the people around her from reaching her
Mine might be doing the same thing
I still do not know how to be vulnerable without feeling disgusting
I also do not know how long I can keep refusing to give anyone the chance